Monthly Archives: July 2012

Vicodine, therapy and the light at the end of the tunnel

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So I had my doctor’s appointment today and it went well!  Here are the updates:

-Got a new script for vicodine which is half the strength of the oxy I had..which I had not been taking much anymore. They will be used sparringly just to take the edge off.

-I will be getting a call from Dr. Liu’s scheduler in the next few days to set up phase 2..Nip reconstruction to happen mid-August if all goes well with schedules.

-I have been cleared to drive AS LONG as I have not taken the vicodine from the first point

- We fully agree that the boobs are healing totally differently from each other and that they are totally different sizes. We have agreed that they are also still larger than I would like so all will be corrected during the next procedure.  He will actually make an incision on the sides removing what I have term the “air bags” that have grown under my arms and will liposuction anywhere else to even out.  (I envision more pain coming but at least the light at the end of this very long journey)

-He feels that most of my pain comes from scarring and has written me a script for Physical therapy if I want it..which I do not.  I have not been doing much since I thought I was not supposed to..now that I have been told to start SLOWLY I am ready.  Found a nice list of Occupational Therapy exercises for post mastectomy on Livestong .com and will do it myself.  I could give many excuses why I don’t want to do the therapy from my motion is improving greatly, the co-pay, 3 times a week for 8 weeks, two little kids with no one to watch them or the simple I am sick of doctors offices and I DON”T WANT TO!

-We are both very pleased at how the abdominal incision is healing.  He says to start using mederma  cream on it.

On the way home I laughed with my husband how numb you become to the process of these appointments.  My first appointment with a breast surgeon was 1994..I was 23.  At that time I was horrified at this man not just looking at the girls but touching them.  Almost 18 year later and 2 kids I sat there today topless doctor in his wheely chair between my legs squeezing the boobs as he developed his next plan of attack.  Not only am no longer  phased but we had an entire conversation as I pocked this one while he squeezed that one.  We need to get these babies right!  Amazing how things change over time  not sure if that is a good thing or bad one..guess it just is.

I am going to go and try my new exercises….anything would be good right!

The 4 weeks post BPM

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So after a weekend of taking it easy, this morning the girls and I headed out for a nice walk for me and bike ride for them.  It is already pretty warm out but it really is a nice way to start the day when for the rest of it you are basically trapped.  We came in, grabbed some nice cold water and I am sitting quietly.  My abdomen does not really cause much discomfort anymore.  The only problem there is the pure weakness which I realize will take time to rebuild.

The issue is with the boobs.  I am still not allowed to wear a bra.  I honestly don’t know if wearing one would even help…I would probably just complain about have to wear it all of the time.  The odd shape and uneven size is a factor..I still feel like I am growing boobs under my arms especially on the left side.  That one is still at least a full size if not larger than the other one.  The right one though for some reason tends to ache more.  Go figure.  I still have some oxy’s left but don’t want to take them unless pain is really bad.  On the other hand, Tylenol/Motrin are not always enough to deal with the pain/ache.  I see the doctor tomorrow.  I want to ask if there is something else he can give me that is not as strong as the oxy but has more kick than the Motrin.  Funny I feel strange asking for more pain meds but I guess that shows that I am not some pill head…if I were guess I would not care about asking.

So the bike shorts I had been wearing have all gotten too loose..which is pretty cool to be honest.  I bought an actual abdominal wrap to keep as tight as possible.  My girls are great because the both grab an end and help me get it on even and tight.  They really have been wonderful helpers!

It is strange to think about, 4 weeks ago today I was still in surgery with my bilateral prophylactic mastectomy.  I would emerge in terrible pain I remember complaining about my shoulder the most. From what I understand, I was on the table for a bit over 12 hours with my arms straight over my head…in my own head I figure I was kind of supermanish.  Drains seeming like they were everywhere.  Monitors that would not stop beeping…oxygyn continually because I seemed to forget to breath from time to time with all the pain meds.  The joys of being surrounded by nurses 1-2 times a day for my “shift and raise” that was always a good time.

To be where I am now just 4 weeks later is an amazing testament to modern medicine.

I have my fingers crossed for my appointment tomorrow.  I so hope that we get the date scheduled for the final phase of this process.  Please please!!!!!

Frustrated and upset-4 weeks post BPM

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So with each passing day I feel stronger, healthier and more able to return to normal life.  Then I attempt to do so and something happens that just smacks me in the face and says “no sorry you are weak”.  I am 4 weeks out of surgery, home for three. I don’t know what I expected and I have nothing really to judge against.  I feel like I should be fully functioning (not at the gym or carrying heavy items but normal life)…am I wrong?

SO what was the most recent slap you ask?  I have still been sleeping in the bed Frank had moved to the family room with several pillows behind my back (so basically a 45 degree angle roughly) and one on each side under my arms to keep me from attempting to roll over.  I still do not find the steps comfortable so I try to keep them limited.  Frank came home from New York so I went upstairs with him to talk while he unpacked.  I sat on the bed and took the pillows to place under my arms to see how much room I would take on the bed seeing if I could start to sleep back in my own room, bed with my husband.  Since I had put the pillows down to be by my sides there were none behind me so when I went to lay down I dropped like a rock.  I could not hold myself up at all and then to add insult to injury I laid there like a freaking turtle on it’s back and could not get up, stuck and on the verge of tears!  WTF!

I need help…to my blog friends, IS this normal, I mean am I progressing  normally? Am I behind?  Am I crazy?  DO I need to chill out?

I can’t stand this! I mean I knew I would not be ready for the olympic team but I did not think that at the 4 week mark I would still be stuck trying to rise from a simple flat position.

Competition

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SInce I was a child I have loved the olympics.  Where else can you see some of these sports, moreover who knew some of these things were sports such as handball?  This morning my girls and I have watched Badminton, ping-pong (table tennis), fencing and soccer (football).  Other than soccer, these are not thing I would normally turn the channel to, but every four years we are glued to the television.  Clearly as Americans it is obvious who we would cheer for if the opportunity is there.  What is great about the olympics is the pure competition of it all.  The US is not represented in all sports nor can they be playing in every event throughout the day.  The girls need to cheer for a team so right now New Zealand is playing Brazil in woman’s soccer…Megan is rooting for Brazil…why?  Who knows. I on the other hand am impressed with how well New Zealand is playing.  The other day we watched Mens soccer and Gabon…(a country we had never heard of and had to look up) quickly became our favorite due to the heart in which they played.

A few weeks ago I was laying in the hospital unable to basically move.  Today I am able to enjoy some sport with my girls.  Funny thing is how they hear things in the news…so as certain countries were announced last night they thought it was interesting how just for a little while people are able to put outside issues aside to play a game.  If only those in charge could look at things through children’s eyes.  Maybe instead of war it should just be a good ole handball game…(really don’t get that sport).

Sportsmanship, heart, effort and hardwork.  What a great lesson that our kids need these days.

Day 25 Post Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy

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Tired this morning.  It was stormy all night.  I could not sleep to start with but then the thunder would boom every time I did finally doze off.  The one thing the storm did achieve was to cool things off a little at least for the morning.  The girls were up by 7am so I decided we should get up and about early.  After just sitting around all day yesterday I really wanted some activity so the girls ate a quick breakfast and off we went.  They expect another 90+ degree day full of humidity so I want no part of that!

We got dressed and and we were out the door. They rode bikes while I walked.  This time the walk was a compromise between the first short one and the second one that almost put me back into the hospital.  It felt good to get the blood flowing (and yes I took a pill as soon as I got home).  I am going to lay low the rest of the day..not push it.

Megan and Madison on the other hand were so sweaty after their bike ride that they are in the pool.  They can play for a while before lunch and by that time I will be ready for a nap and they will have had some nice outside time. There is a breeze blowing so sitting under the awning in somewhat comfortable.

Just under four weeks since surgery and I continue to improve with each day.  I have periods through the day where I feel no pain at all..lovely times!  Then in my way I do something to over exert and I have awful pain :-) .  It is all a process and I am figuring it out as I go.  The update has not changed much.  I really look forward to the doctor Tuesday.  I am really hoping we can schedule phase two, rebuilding the nips!  I will be really bummed if we can not.  Guess we will deal with it as it comes!

The “pointy part”

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Frank had to go out-of-town for business for a few days so it is my first time all alone for a few days.  Still can not drive so he went shopping last night to make sure we would have everything we would need.  Because of my overdoing it a bit yesterday I really had nothing left in me today.  The weather of course went back into the ugly humid 90′s and I just could not sit out by the pool in that heat so the girls were forced to play inside today.  Don’t get me wrong..they are really very good but the voices…those wonderful little voices NEVER stop.  Thankfully, a few minutes ago the knock came at the door.  There is a rag-tag little group that gets together several nights during the week right down the street to play baseball/tag whatever.  They are a mix of boys and girls age range 5-9 and a couple of the dad’s stay out to keep and eye/pitch or referee..whatever is needed.   Finally my first moment of quiet today. And a few hours of exercise and social activity for them!  Win win!

So I am still not allowed to wear a bra.  I have tried to keep the girls from seeing me topless.  Being as they are both girls I honestly have never hidden from them in the past.  I do not want them to be ashamed of their bodies. I have thought it best since things look so different that I did not want to scare them. But even with a sleeveless shirt it is pretty clear that as my 5-year-old puts it “they are not boobie shaped”.  Tonight as we were sitting here out of the blue she says to me that she can see the “hole” in my boob.  She wanted to know where the “pointy part went”.  She really is one smart cookie.  I told her the truth, for the most part.  The pointy part was part of what could have made me sick and that in a few weeks I would get a new one.  She found this to be fascinating.  Thought it was just amazing that they could just give me new ones.  I ‘ll tell you this…these are not conversations I ever thought I would be having with a 5-year-old. They asked to see…I told them my concerns and they told me that they were stronger than I gave them credit for.  Can you believe that?  So I showed them and asked what they were thinking.  They said that although it was strange it did not scare them.  They did say that they were happy that the doctor was going to replace “the pointy part”.

Wow…On top of the numerous things I have learned through this process one huge thing is that my babies are not babies anymore.  They are wonderful, smart caring little souls.  I am so proud of them both and I love them with all of my heart!

A glimpse of normal Part 2

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Alright…three weeks out of surgery and WAY over did it today.  God I am sore.  Stupid really but at the time I just wanted to feel normal…feeling way far from normal right now!  Very Frustrated and hurting!

A glimpse of normal

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A little over 3 weeks out of surgery and I am finally starting to feel somewhat normal, kind of anyway.  I have full mobility of both arms but if I were to do too much with them I grow tired very quickly.  The boobs are still very sore.  Thankfully the weeping has stopped.  That does make me feel better if for nothing more than mentally happy.  My abdomen is a bit tight.  The incision itself continues to heal wonderfully except for a small section in the front.  I had a mishap with my pants where I pulled them up or down a little harshly and hit a scab…now it just continues to get irritated.  I just need to be more careful I guess.

My energy level is improving but if I do too much everything starts to ache pretty quickly.  A little more each day I guess.  The girls and I went out for a walk again this morning.  The weather is beautiful today high 70′s not too humid.  They rode their bikes while I walked.  We made it around half the neighborhood…like 10 times the size of the walk we did the other day.  I am extremely sore but it is a good sore and I took a pill.  I think well worth it for all of us.  The girls got some good exercise out in the fresh air and for the first time in weeks I felt human walking around my neighborhood!  I will definitely need a nap today! :-)

Now the girls are in the pool for an hour before lunch..only an hour because that is about all I can handle watching them.    Better than nothing.  I harvested some cherry tomatoes from our now thriving garden.  Now I am sitting…I am wiped out.  It is nice seeing the girls being active kids today instead of just sitting around with me! I grabbed the camera because it was good to get a few pics..see what the beginning of normal looks like.

One week until the next doctor’s appointment.  I look forward to it actually because I think we will be discussing when we will be ready for the final phase. I can’t wait!

For now..time for a nap!

Motherhood

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The worst thing about just sitting around with nothing but time are the thoughts that just continue to swirl through my head.  I have mentioned my mother several times in this blog. Although I loved her very much, I have tried to be a very different mother to my children than she was to us. She was a single parent from the time that I was a baby. I know it was not easy for her.

Growing up I don’t really ever remember hearing  the words “I love you”.  I know that she loved me  and I loved her.  But it is nice to hear the words right?  I remember when Megan was born.  I was so thrilled.  See I was a career girl and was never going to have children, that is until I had Megan and resigned from my career :-) .  I could not have loved her anymore.  I just loved to hold her, hug her and kiss her.  I used to just sit and kiss her head…even told her tiny little body that there would be a million kisses up there by the time she was one. I also made her a promise that a day would not pass when I would not tell her how much I loved her!  The same held true when Madison was born and as they have both gotten a little older I encourage them to talk to us and ask questions.  This is often very interesting as other also find.  Out of the blue whatever is on Madison’s mind comes out…sometimes a little awkward but the only way to learn.

By no means am I a push over quit the countrary I am actually very strict. But  I do not want my girls to be afraid of anything and I do not want them to ever feel that they missed out!

3weeks post op, the internet and Johnny Cash

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I am actually a little sore from my walk yesterday.  Amazing.  It is getting really hot again.  I made the girls get dressed early so we could get a little walk in again today.  Not nearly as long as yesterday but something.  Then I sat while they played on their bikes and scooters for a little while.  Good for them to get out.  It sure was hot though!  Wonder if a little elliptical would be allowed?  That would be great is I fell off I would have to lay there until Frank got home from work.  I am thinking that since stairs are not the most comfortable thing for me I should probably not attempt the elliptical.

SO Random subject change but I love the internet.  I could really become one of those people who never leaves the house.  I have been doing my shopping via the internet since before it was cool.  Now that it has grown so, you can buy just about everything and for the most part even cheaper than you can find it in the store.  Over the last 2 days I have ordered Megan’s birthday present, some clothes for both girls, new cordless phones and some dry goods i.e. cereal, tuna etc. I also ordered most of the school supply list for Megan since I am not sure when I will be allowed to drive.  If I could only find someone who could get milk and items like that to me fresh I may never leave the house.  After watching the news this weekend about those poor people who just wanted to see the Batman movie, why would you ever want to go out?

What is great about the internet is your ability to compare prices and see reviews from real people.  My first rule is I never order from anyone who charges shipping!  Most sites offer free ship over $25 or even a flat rate of like $5 no matter amount spent.  Anything over that is a NO.  You can also search for a web code for many sites that you can add-on top of that.  Staples is awesome because if you have their card you can recycle ink carts for $2 per up to 20 a month and gain rewards which you can redeem on-line.  Megan’s entire box of school supplies cost us like $20. And they bring it right to my door Gotta love internet shopping.

Alright, enough of my internet market campaign.

So I know that several of the blogs I have seen post pics of the actual healing process.  I am not comfortable with that…hell if I were to post the before I think people may actually run in fear.  Due to the weeping I have had over the last few days I have gone with the Johnny Cash look then I do not need to worry about the girls getting concerned.  Thankfully, the weeping does seem to have stopped for now.  Fingers crossed that it stays that way.  This is a shot from 2 days ago.  Not exactly off the cover of vogue but progress! This was the best I could do in the way of comparison because of course I never take pictures of myself.