Jolie, the day after

I follow many blogs written by woman who either have breast cancer, are BRCA positive or have had a prophylactic mastectomy.  Yesterday after reviewing several of those blogs most covered Angelina Jolie in some way of another.  What struck me as very interesting is the wide range of opinions on her story.  Most women like myself who underwent BPM surgery commend Jolie for using her platform if for nothing else to get the conversation about breast cancer risks flowing.

I was very interested in some that took great offense in how for lack of a better word , simplistic Jolie made the event seem.  In her article she makes a statement, “but days after surgery you can be back to a normal life”.  Now, I had a different surgery since my reconstruction was done by DIEP flap surgery cutting my entire abdomen.  This required many different steps be taken including not being able to move a muscle in the hospital for 48 hours and having someone checking for a pulse in my new breasts every hour which was fun for all. (not!)

When I got home I was no where close to back to a normal life.  Honestly there was a great deal of pain, many tears and for many weeks the belief that there would never be such a thing as “normal”.  I remember weeks after the surgery attempting to walk around the block with the girls and feeling like I would not make it home.  I remember being unable to get in and out of my own bed. I could not lift my arms, bend over or lift anything for what seemed like a lifetime.  I could not shower for well over a month because of the drains which left such large scars that shaving was an issue for months.  I could go on and on but the point is the same, it was less than a normal life for a very long time!

Normal.  I guess it is all in how we define the word.  I will be reminded for the rest of my life every time I take a shower.  60+ stitches left a more than noticeable scar across my abdomen.  I had wonderful surgeons whom I would recommend to anyone. Angelina describes her “small scar”, I am sure she had the best medical care that money could buy and she probably had a better outcome from it than many.  I do not fault her for that at all.  All I do is say that I will agree with those who fell she does paint a much rosier picture than what I found to be my reality.

One thing that was normal for me was the fear that after multiple years of biopsies that the next one would be the one to show cancer.  That the next mammogram would be the one.

With that said, the many of use who have shared our stories could never reach the audience that she has with her name recognition.  As I stated yesterday in my post, if her experience results in women being tested, educated and empowered well God bless her for sharing simplistic story and all!  Maybe it will cause women to take to the internet to read more realistic stories of the process. Causing women to act is the important thing.  Get your mammograms, question your history, talk to your doctor.

I thank god everyday that I had the strength to make such a decision.  I too now only have a 5% risk of developing breast cancer.  Even with the worst of the memories running through my head about the surgery and recovery, I would do it again tomorrow.  I look forward to many healthy years with my family!

Go sell your drama somewhere else

dont worry be happySo, you know those people who are just perpetually unhappy? Their role in life is to bring you into their woes.  Victims to everything and everyone.  We all know one or two of them.  I have spent many years walking on egg shells in attempts to avoid fights.  Recently I just don’t care.  I don’t know if it was the mastectomy, or the realization of how close cancer was with the pathology results or maybe it is just the fact that I am to dam old for other people’s drama but I just will not allow myself to be sucked in.  We all have difficulties in life, we all have problems, sickness, bills and plain old obstacles.  Such is life.

How can some be so angry all of the time?

You can choose to live your life how you like.  I can also choose to say enough.  Life is too short.

Don't talk about my boobs unless you've walked in my shoes

Reblogged from beatingcowdens:

“Breast cancer becomes very emotional for people, and they view a breast differently than an arm or a required body part that you use every day,” said Sarah T. Hawley, an associate professor of internal medicine at the University of Michigan. “Women feel like it’s a body part over which they totally have a choice, and they say, ‘I want to put this behind me — I don’t want to worry about it anymore.’ ”

Read more… 754 more words

I have never reblogged someone else's thoughts before but I fully share my friends outrage here! I wonder if the New York Times article author watched her mother die a long and at times very painful death. I wonder if she ever had to stare into the eyes of her children as she was told she had at minimum a 50/50 chance of developing breast cancer, a disease that has no cure nor is one close to being found after millions and millions spent. My story is different from my friend at "Beatingcowdens" but when it comes to the prophylactic mastectomy we are sisters. I wish I could have the last two years of my life back. I wish that I did not have to surgically alter my body. I wish there was no such things as breast cancer. I wish those who would like to speak out in judgement would do their jobs and maybe the rest of us could maybe have our wishes come true but since none of these things can or will happen I want to be clear, I have NO regrets in the decisions I made. Those decisions were not taken lightly and the pathology proved with great certainty that I WOULD have developed breast cancer. I finish with the same line as my friend, "Don’t talk about my boobs until you have walked in my shoes!"  

So long 2012

With the end of the year approaching, everywhere you turn you see recaps.  I did a medical recap not too long ago and quit honestly am not too interested in reliving this year.  Instead I am looking fully forward to what I hope will be a better year.

Making a statement like that always makes me pause for a second because of how close I was to cancer (according to the pathology reports).  I had the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy to prevent cancer since I was high risk but until we received those results showing cancer markers, well we had no clue just how close I was.  So, with that said the end results made 2012 a good year I suppose and I guess I should recognize that good.

The hope for 2013, well they are filled with no surgery, no medical scares and good times with my family.  I do need to get through the follow-up Ultrasound next week to check on the complex cyst.  Hopefully that shows that it took care of itself and onward we will move.Disney Trip October 22-29, 2011 627

One super bright spot that we have all been looking forward to for some time is our trip to Disney World!  We are in the home stretch and can begin an official countdown in the next week or so.  My girls do love official countdowns :-) .  We are all really looking forward to this trip!  We are staying at The Animal Kingdom Villas-Kidani, right over the Savannah.  How thrilled with the girls be seeing the animals come close to the balcony.

My crew in Animal Kingdom October 2011.

My crew in Animal Kingdom October 2011.

Since we are staying in Disney we also did the meal package.  It is nice going and knowing that almost everything is prepaid.  We will be dinning with the Princesses, Mickey and crew, Chip and Dale and at the new Be Our Guest Restaurant.  Planning this trip, making the dinning reservations were a nice distraction while I was recovering from surgery.  Finally coming close to the actual experience  knowing how much we are all looking forward to it, well what can I say that Disney does not?  It is the happiest place on earth!

It’s raining it’s pouring but it is beautiful

Well I just made what I hope will be the last appointment involved in this “medical” chapter in my life.  I will ring in the New Year with a follow-up pelvic ultrasound to check on the complex cyst that was found a few weeks ago.  Doesn’t that sound fun?  Everyone says “oh no problem” and I hope that is the case.  It is none the less nerve racking after a year and a half of appointments, scans, blood work and three surgeries.  I can not actually fully wrap my head around the thoughts of it all being over.  One can only hope!

I have my follow-up with the plastic surgeon tomorrow.  Things have healed nicely since last weeks revision.  All new incisions were made on the older scare lines and other than the revision on the left breast, the incisions are almost healed.  I do still have some pain from the left breast.  After the second surgery, I was not happy with the size of the new breasts.  He made incisions all the way under my arms to correct.  The left side did not heal well.  It left a wedge looking area.  That was corrected and looks great but it was probably the largest of the revision areas this round.

I still feel that the newpples are not fully level BUT I am accepting the fact that they probably were not before the surgery.  I can’t say that before hand I ever spent much time in front of a mirror staring at them which has become a past time recently.  I am sure that it is just something that only I would notice and it is nothing worth undergoing another surgery to correct.

This all started  for my family.  As it has played out it has changed my life in so many ways.  The most important is the way I view my family.  I enjoy every minute, every smile and I do not take them for granted.

My baby waiting for the bus this morning in the rain.

Post BPM day 141

Interesting when I see it broken down into days, 141 days since I made the radical life changing decision to take charge of my life and have the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy.  Three surgeries, lots of pain and some whining later I am almost through the tunnel.

Yesterdays surgery went well.  Although I had to arrive at the hospital at 5:30, I was bumped due to an emergency before me.  I was not taken back until about 9am.  Although I was a bit frustrated due to having to arrange for care for the girls etc, I took it in stride remembering my time in the ICU and the possibility that I could have been that emergency.  I breezed through recovery with no issues at all, thankfully!  The last time was a real issue!  Because things went so well there we were home and laying in my own bed by 1:30.  Not too bad!

I am pleased with what we did yesterday.  The Newpple issue seems to be corrected and the girls seem to be much more even.  I do not think they are perfect but then again I do not think any woman’s are so I am pleased with them. He did revise some of the scares that were really off which was a negotiated middle ground between what I proposed and where he was so again I am pleased.  He also did a minor cut along the abdominal scare where I have had an irritating lump.  He thought it may have been a suture that did not desolve but instead turned out to be an area of scare tissue that had formed.  Although the incision point is sore, I already feel better having the lump out!

So with all of that said, barring some strange outcome from the healing I have to go through over the next days, I have achieved a level of peace with the “girls” and see no reason why I would need to have any further surgeries on them! I follow up with the Surgeon on Wednesday.

Cleaning and more surgery-round 3

Tomorrow is the day.  Hopefully the last of the surgeries.  So what have I been doing this weekend?  What else…cleaning, preparing and making sure everything is taken care of for the next few days without much assistance from me.  I have washed, folded and put away 4-5 loads of laundry, changed sheets, cleaned bathrooms and the kitchen and vacuumed every carpet.

The first surgery, the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy was July 2.  I did it then because the girls were out of school.  I never expected to be preparing to go once again under a knife right before Thanksgiving.  I have to be at the hospital tomorrow by 5:30 am. Thankfully we have a wonderful neighbor who will come to my house at 5am so the girls do not have to wake up so early.  They will be able to get up at normal time, get dressed and will then head over to the neighbor’s house.

Madison will miss school tomorrow for a few reasons.  First our district only has half day Kindergarten.  She basically is only there for 3 hours.  My neighbors are being nice enough I do not feel right asking them to spend their entire day at bus stops with my kids.  Probably more important is my babies fragile state of mind.  I put her to bed in tears.  She has been through so much with me since such and early age that she worries about me.  One of the women she will be spending the day with tomorrow is like and adoptive grandmother to her.  I think she will be much calmer even feel safer staying home with her.

Megan on the other hand does not seem worried at all which is good.  She goes to school with my neighbor’s little boy so they will go to the bus stop together and she will go about a normal day and if all goes well we will be home before she is from school.  If not she will head back to his house until we arrive.

I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. Having already been through the nipple reconstruction and breast revision, this is a revision to that revision.  The newpples did not heal the same.  From the beginning the surgeon said they had to be large to start with in order to shrink down to size.  They did not shrink the same, not even close.  So that needs to be addressed.  Another issue is the “pitch” of the girls.  So one needs to be lifted to match the other. On top of those issues I am pushing to have some of the scares revised a bit but he seems reluctant to do anything there.  He says it takes up to a year for scares to heal.  We will negotiate that more in the morning.

Barring any major issues…I plan on this being the end of the breast chapter. I guess we just have to stay tuned to see how this chapter ends.

Looking back, Moving forward

So with my next and hopefully last surgery next week as well as Thanksgiving, I got to thinking about what this year and a half has been like.  A bit of a roller coaster to say the least.

  • March 2011 mammogram and breast ultrasound; lump confirmed
  • June 2011 needle guided biopsy
  • June 2011 surgery to remove the lump due to “abnormal” pathology results
  • August 2011 Breast MRI
  • Doctors appointments with specialists
  • early 2012 abdominal CT to ensure I was  DIEP candidate
  • Blood work
  • more doctors appointments
  • July 2, 2012 Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy and DIEP flap
  • More blood work
  • more appointments
  • August 24, 2012 Breast reconstruction and revision
  • More blood work
  • more doctor appointments
  • November 7, 2012 Pelvic Ultrasound
  • November 9, 2012 Colonoscopy
  • November 19, 2012 Breast revision Pt 2 **Pending**

In between Birthdays, Holidays, back to school nights, summer break and normal daily activity because the reality is, doctors, scans, tests  and surgery have been normal daily activity for me for a many months now.  I have tried to keep a good attitude but there is a stress that hangs over the family since it is on going.

What have I learned?  Shit happens and most of it can not be controlled so, relax.  I will not say I do not have my moments but as a whole, I am more relaxed.  I am enjoying my family and our time together.  I am putting “us” first.  I am more thankful for what I have!

And with Thanksgiving around the corner, what am I thankful for? These are easy…first although my list looks long and obnoxious, I do not have cancer!  I am thankful that I did not wait to take action.  I am extremely thankful for my health.  I am in the best shape I have been in for years. I am Thankful for my beautiful family. I am also so very thankful for concerned doctors who continue to go the extra effort to ensure that we check everything.

My list is not finished yet.  Surgery next week and follow-up appointments after.  I will have to repeat the pelvic ultrasound and hope the cyst removed itself, if not it will need to be removed.

So although there is more to go, I sit here so very thankful for a wonderful year.  A beautiful family and good health, what more can you ask for right?

Fluffy Buddies

I went to the salon today for a touch up.  Sitting there I decided to change it up a little, 40 pounds lost and 4 bra sizes deserved a change.  Went a bit darker with a touch of auburn and a little different on the cut. Turned out nice I think.  A little change is good!

So, last night Madison and I sat for our nightly reading session.  Now, I want to start with the fact that she is doing a great job!  She is enjoying herself and her confidence is growing.  With that on the record, I can not believe how different this experience is versus the one had with Megan.  I am not comparing, just saying.  She will read a word correctly 3 times in a row but then in another sentence totally different.  She is so much like I was am.  Focus was never a strong suit, my mind aways wandering.  I find myself sometimes looking into her eyes trying to see behind them to figure out what is going on in that little head.

We come across the word “friends”, not a word I expected her to get but it was her attempt that changed the course of the session. She calmly came to the word and confidently blurted out “fluffy buddies”.  I guess there must have been something strange on my face because she started to laugh, then laughter turned to hysterics which of course set me into laughter.  I so love how she does not take herself too seriously.  I love to watch her laugh. I guess Fluffy buddies can be friends too!

And here she is today, teaching the “class” sight words.

7000 views

Came into the Blog today and realized I had hit 7000 views.  What does this mean?  Not much really but it is a cool number!  For those who stopped in to actually read something I had written thank you! For those  adolescent boys searching some type of “boobie” title and happened across here…well  HAHAHAHA surprise!