Month: August 2012

Day 39 Post mastectomy

I guess we are in a waiting period once again for surgery but unlike before I am not in agony waiting for this one.  Instead just trying to make sure everything is caught up on around the house. We have also focused on getting ready for school to start sorting through closets and drawers, filling backpacks with supplies. Haircuts are scheduled, drawers are straightened and things that do not fit removed.  With the nipple reconstruction and revision scheduled for 8/24, I need to make sure we are all ready to go for September 6th…the first day of school!  I am really hoping that I am moving around well because on September 5th Madison, who is starting Kindergarten, has met the teacher day.  I will be very upset if I can not be there for that!

Most importantly for this week we have a super special birthday on Saturday.  My first-born turns 8 years old..yikes!  Just a small party this year, pool and BBQ (if the weather holds fingers crossed) with her couple of cousins aunts and uncles.

We went out to the store yesterday and for the first time I wore a sport bra, although the Doctor has never said I was allowed to wear one.  It is so hot I can not walk around with the baggy shirt hanging over the tank!  I actually wore a T-shirt and felt comfortable that no one was looking at my square boobs.  I am feeling more and more normal each day. I still have  stiffness in the chest and tightness  in the abdomen but  I have come to accept that they will be part of life for a long while.  It does not affect daily functions and is really no more that aches and stiffness.  I only wish I could sleep on my side…that I really miss!

I continue to do some type of exercise daily, elliptical machine, punching bag or walking.  I would really like to turn this experience into an opportunity to refocus the entire family on our health.  The girl’s exercise with me either punching the bag, jumping on their little trampoline or simple sit-ups.  Unfortunately, frank and I both have struggled with our weight as did my mother and his father.  We need to do better for ourselves and the girls!

We did have a big event yesterday, Madison lost her third tooth.  We were all very excited!

The greatness that can be

If anyone has been staying up late to watch the olympics at night they have seen the gymnastics. What I have really enjoyed is watching  Ally Reisman’s parents, especially her father.  These two people look like they are in pure agony as their daughter performs.  And they have seen some big ups and downs.  You have seen tears in her fathers eyes but also the overwhelming pride that only a parent can feel when their baby has done something great.

My kids are still young so I can only imagine, you see them growing, watch the connections being made and conceptualize the greatness that can be, someday.  I do everything I can to provide the tools, support, assistance and shoulder to cry on ,and hope and pray that the decisions I make are the right ones.  (I also hope that down the road they do not end up on some couch saying it all starts with my mother..)

Only time will tell of course.

Went to the farmers market again today…fed the animals while we were there.

Rambling just a bit

My daughter came home from karate and was a bit down because they sparred and she did not do well.  The Sensei is tough (and btw great with the kids).  I told her it was fine because it is a lesson well taught in a safe environment.   She does not understand what I mean by that.  I wanted them to take karate.  I worry  so much about them. I want my girls to be able to handle any and all situtaions that come their way. I hope they both follow through and make it to black belt.

Laying in bed last night, not sleeping (which has been a common theme again lately) I could not clear my head.  I flipped on the DVR and watched a Burn Notice that I had recorded.  In it the main characters brother was killed..he was not a main character, only been in a few episodes.  I found myself in tears..not because of this guy on the TV but for some reason the funeral scene flashed me back to the night my mother died and the image of her lying motionless in her bed.  That was 10 years ago…where the heck did that come from and why?

My children never met either of their grandmothers.  When Megan was a baby there were several strange occurrences.  One time she was maybe 2ish she was talking.  When I asked who she was talking to she said “grand mommy, your mommy”.  I thought nothing of it, a child at play.  Then another time we were on the front step and she had a bowl of blueberries.  She kept putting her hand out with 1 blueberry in it as if offering it to someone.  I asked what she was doing.  She told me she was giving it to grandmom.  I asked if she saw grandmom and she laughed pointed and said yes right there.  I again for the most part, wrote if off to child at play but was a little freaked out.  Then one day she was singing, Happy Birthday to be exact.  I started to sing with her and she finished and clapped.  I asked why she was singing and she told me because it is grandmom’s birthday.  It stopped me in my tracks, I had to think for a second but she was right, it was.  There is no way she could have known that.  I took her for the first (and to date one of only a few visits) to my mother’s grave.  She stood over the grave waved chatted for a few minutes and then told me she was finished.   We never had another sighting.

I have never seen her but I often “feel” like she is around.  I wish she had been when my girls were born.  Who knows I guess she has always “been around”…who knows right?

A shot of my mother in a much younger day..about 30ish years ago.