Clouds are clearing the sky is bright

my-cosmic-valentine-a-very-special-dayToday is a very special day for me.  The sun is shinning, the sky is blue and the temperatures are low, the makings of a wonderful day.  I got up early showered and did the normal morning routine.  Next I prepared for yet another doctors appointment this time a follow-up to the endometrial ablation done July 19th.  This may not sound very special but indeed the day truly is.  Why you may ask?

SmileThe appointment went well, things seem to have gone well and all pathology benign thankfully.  Good news for anyone leaving a doctor’s office but for me much more.  See, for the first time in over 2 years I do not have the next surgery plans in the making.  I do not even have a doctor’s appointment scheduled.  I almost feel as if I am forgetting something since I have nothing to schedule or follow-up on. My life and my check book have been consumed for so long and now a breath of fresh air.  Not so fresh for the check book yet as there are still outstanding bills but we are close.

When I say consumed I thought maybe a quick recap was in order:

June 2011 Needle guided ultrasound biopsy leads to full surgical biopsy due to abnormal results.  More abnormal results found leading to the rest of the year spent with oncologists, genetic specialists, mammograms and breast MRI’s until decision finally made.

July 2, 2012 bilateral prophylactic mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction.

August 2012 Breast revision surgery

November 2012 Further reconstruction and revision.  Also in November the ever interesting colonoscopy and the memorable first pelvic ultrasound.

January and March 2013 further pelvic ultrasounds leading to the ablation in July.

Doctors appointments, follow-up appointments, blood work, scans tests and calls. In between it all worry, pain, tears, looks of pity from others and stress on the family. This has been my life for more than two years. I will be honest, today I have felt a little out of sorts.  I can not explain why.  It is almost like the medical issues have “defined” me for much of the recent past.  Maybe I am a bit reserved afraid that if I get too happy about it something bad will happen.  I am sure it will pass…as the reality sets in, doctor free.  I look forward to the future, with nothing planned except maybe a Disney trip!

looking back…

So much time is spent looking into the past that many people miss what is happening right in front of them.  Regrets over decisions made, hard felling over what others did, or did not do and longing for what could have been.  We have all done it at one time or another.  Since my BPM surgery I have spent much less time looking back and instead try to enjoy every minute as it happens.

I saw this today and it really did ring true.  My past, the good the bad and the ugly  not so pretty, all make up who I am today.

164963_393591227411869_587804959_n

Jolie, the day after

I follow many blogs written by woman who either have breast cancer, are BRCA positive or have had a prophylactic mastectomy.  Yesterday after reviewing several of those blogs most covered Angelina Jolie in some way of another.  What struck me as very interesting is the wide range of opinions on her story.  Most women like myself who underwent BPM surgery commend Jolie for using her platform if for nothing else to get the conversation about breast cancer risks flowing.

I was very interested in some that took great offense in how for lack of a better word , simplistic Jolie made the event seem.  In her article she makes a statement, “but days after surgery you can be back to a normal life”.  Now, I had a different surgery since my reconstruction was done by DIEP flap surgery cutting my entire abdomen.  This required many different steps be taken including not being able to move a muscle in the hospital for 48 hours and having someone checking for a pulse in my new breasts every hour which was fun for all. (not!)

When I got home I was no where close to back to a normal life.  Honestly there was a great deal of pain, many tears and for many weeks the belief that there would never be such a thing as “normal”.  I remember weeks after the surgery attempting to walk around the block with the girls and feeling like I would not make it home.  I remember being unable to get in and out of my own bed. I could not lift my arms, bend over or lift anything for what seemed like a lifetime.  I could not shower for well over a month because of the drains which left such large scars that shaving was an issue for months.  I could go on and on but the point is the same, it was less than a normal life for a very long time!

Normal.  I guess it is all in how we define the word.  I will be reminded for the rest of my life every time I take a shower.  60+ stitches left a more than noticeable scar across my abdomen.  I had wonderful surgeons whom I would recommend to anyone. Angelina describes her “small scar”, I am sure she had the best medical care that money could buy and she probably had a better outcome from it than many.  I do not fault her for that at all.  All I do is say that I will agree with those who fell she does paint a much rosier picture than what I found to be my reality.

One thing that was normal for me was the fear that after multiple years of biopsies that the next one would be the one to show cancer.  That the next mammogram would be the one.

With that said, the many of use who have shared our stories could never reach the audience that she has with her name recognition.  As I stated yesterday in my post, if her experience results in women being tested, educated and empowered well God bless her for sharing simplistic story and all!  Maybe it will cause women to take to the internet to read more realistic stories of the process. Causing women to act is the important thing.  Get your mammograms, question your history, talk to your doctor.

I thank god everyday that I had the strength to make such a decision.  I too now only have a 5% risk of developing breast cancer.  Even with the worst of the memories running through my head about the surgery and recovery, I would do it again tomorrow.  I look forward to many healthy years with my family!