Tag: motherhood

Cleaning and more surgery-round 3

Tomorrow is the day.  Hopefully the last of the surgeries.  So what have I been doing this weekend?  What else…cleaning, preparing and making sure everything is taken care of for the next few days without much assistance from me.  I have washed, folded and put away 4-5 loads of laundry, changed sheets, cleaned bathrooms and the kitchen and vacuumed every carpet.

The first surgery, the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy was July 2.  I did it then because the girls were out of school.  I never expected to be preparing to go once again under a knife right before Thanksgiving.  I have to be at the hospital tomorrow by 5:30 am. Thankfully we have a wonderful neighbor who will come to my house at 5am so the girls do not have to wake up so early.  They will be able to get up at normal time, get dressed and will then head over to the neighbor’s house.

Madison will miss school tomorrow for a few reasons.  First our district only has half day Kindergarten.  She basically is only there for 3 hours.  My neighbors are being nice enough I do not feel right asking them to spend their entire day at bus stops with my kids.  Probably more important is my babies fragile state of mind.  I put her to bed in tears.  She has been through so much with me since such and early age that she worries about me.  One of the women she will be spending the day with tomorrow is like and adoptive grandmother to her.  I think she will be much calmer even feel safer staying home with her.

Megan on the other hand does not seem worried at all which is good.  She goes to school with my neighbor’s little boy so they will go to the bus stop together and she will go about a normal day and if all goes well we will be home before she is from school.  If not she will head back to his house until we arrive.

I am not sure what to expect tomorrow. Having already been through the nipple reconstruction and breast revision, this is a revision to that revision.  The newpples did not heal the same.  From the beginning the surgeon said they had to be large to start with in order to shrink down to size.  They did not shrink the same, not even close.  So that needs to be addressed.  Another issue is the “pitch” of the girls.  So one needs to be lifted to match the other. On top of those issues I am pushing to have some of the scares revised a bit but he seems reluctant to do anything there.  He says it takes up to a year for scares to heal.  We will negotiate that more in the morning.

Barring any major issues…I plan on this being the end of the breast chapter. I guess we just have to stay tuned to see how this chapter ends.

R.I.P Madeline

Just received news that my Grandmother died.  Sad.   I received the e-mail from my brother, simply stating “Grandmom passed last nite” with a copy of the obituary.  I guess to those who are thinking this seems like a cold way to find out I should put it into perspective.  I have not seen, talked to or had any real thoughts about this woman in over 15 years or more.  She is my father’s mother, and my father walked out on my family when I was about a year old.  He (and his many girlfriends and wives) was around a little when I was young but was basically gone by my teen years.  And when I say he was around, I mean a weekend here and there or the occasional day trip.  The financial support was even thinner. I believe the last time I even saw him was 1993 which was not a pleasant meeting and the first in many years.

I was much closer to my grandfather than my grandmother.  When I was old enough to drive (not really sure how old I was) my grandparents were living with my father not too far away.  My grandfather was ill having survived several heart attacks.  I would go to visit, have lunch and sit with him while he smoked and watch to make sure he did not burn the house down.  He was slipping badly at that point, at times forgetting who I was or where we were but in between we would have a good visit.  That is until I would realize that my grandmother was in the kitchen calling dear old dad to let him know I was there.  I would always have to keep an eye on my watch because I had absolutely no interest in seeing a man who had no interest in me growing up.

After my “Pop-pop” passed, I don’t think I saw her again.  I think I may have spoken to her a few times on the phone but never saw her.

Still sad.  The question I sit here with though is, is it sad because of her loss or because of the stirring of shit it brings back thinking about her, my father, my childhood?

I guess we can just leave it with goodbye Grandmom.

My grandparents holding a newborn me..1971.

Fluffy Buddies

I went to the salon today for a touch up.  Sitting there I decided to change it up a little, 40 pounds lost and 4 bra sizes deserved a change.  Went a bit darker with a touch of auburn and a little different on the cut. Turned out nice I think.  A little change is good!

So, last night Madison and I sat for our nightly reading session.  Now, I want to start with the fact that she is doing a great job!  She is enjoying herself and her confidence is growing.  With that on the record, I can not believe how different this experience is versus the one had with Megan.  I am not comparing, just saying.  She will read a word correctly 3 times in a row but then in another sentence totally different.  She is so much like I was am.  Focus was never a strong suit, my mind aways wandering.  I find myself sometimes looking into her eyes trying to see behind them to figure out what is going on in that little head.

We come across the word “friends”, not a word I expected her to get but it was her attempt that changed the course of the session. She calmly came to the word and confidently blurted out “fluffy buddies”.  I guess there must have been something strange on my face because she started to laugh, then laughter turned to hysterics which of course set me into laughter.  I so love how she does not take herself too seriously.  I love to watch her laugh. I guess Fluffy buddies can be friends too!

And here she is today, teaching the “class” sight words.