Tag: Parenting

Rambling just a bit

My daughter came home from karate and was a bit down because they sparred and she did not do well.  The Sensei is tough (and btw great with the kids).  I told her it was fine because it is a lesson well taught in a safe environment.   She does not understand what I mean by that.  I wanted them to take karate.  I worry  so much about them. I want my girls to be able to handle any and all situtaions that come their way. I hope they both follow through and make it to black belt.

Laying in bed last night, not sleeping (which has been a common theme again lately) I could not clear my head.  I flipped on the DVR and watched a Burn Notice that I had recorded.  In it the main characters brother was killed..he was not a main character, only been in a few episodes.  I found myself in tears..not because of this guy on the TV but for some reason the funeral scene flashed me back to the night my mother died and the image of her lying motionless in her bed.  That was 10 years ago…where the heck did that come from and why?

My children never met either of their grandmothers.  When Megan was a baby there were several strange occurrences.  One time she was maybe 2ish she was talking.  When I asked who she was talking to she said “grand mommy, your mommy”.  I thought nothing of it, a child at play.  Then another time we were on the front step and she had a bowl of blueberries.  She kept putting her hand out with 1 blueberry in it as if offering it to someone.  I asked what she was doing.  She told me she was giving it to grandmom.  I asked if she saw grandmom and she laughed pointed and said yes right there.  I again for the most part, wrote if off to child at play but was a little freaked out.  Then one day she was singing, Happy Birthday to be exact.  I started to sing with her and she finished and clapped.  I asked why she was singing and she told me because it is grandmom’s birthday.  It stopped me in my tracks, I had to think for a second but she was right, it was.  There is no way she could have known that.  I took her for the first (and to date one of only a few visits) to my mother’s grave.  She stood over the grave waved chatted for a few minutes and then told me she was finished.   We never had another sighting.

I have never seen her but I often “feel” like she is around.  I wish she had been when my girls were born.  Who knows I guess she has always “been around”…who knows right?

A shot of my mother in a much younger day..about 30ish years ago.

The “pointy part”

Frank had to go out-of-town for business for a few days so it is my first time all alone for a few days.  Still can not drive so he went shopping last night to make sure we would have everything we would need.  Because of my overdoing it a bit yesterday I really had nothing left in me today.  The weather of course went back into the ugly humid 90’s and I just could not sit out by the pool in that heat so the girls were forced to play inside today.  Don’t get me wrong..they are really very good but the voices…those wonderful little voices NEVER stop.  Thankfully, a few minutes ago the knock came at the door.  There is a rag-tag little group that gets together several nights during the week right down the street to play baseball/tag whatever.  They are a mix of boys and girls age range 5-9 and a couple of the dad’s stay out to keep and eye/pitch or referee..whatever is needed.   Finally my first moment of quiet today. And a few hours of exercise and social activity for them!  Win win!

So I am still not allowed to wear a bra.  I have tried to keep the girls from seeing me topless.  Being as they are both girls I honestly have never hidden from them in the past.  I do not want them to be ashamed of their bodies. I have thought it best since things look so different that I did not want to scare them. But even with a sleeveless shirt it is pretty clear that as my 5-year-old puts it “they are not boobie shaped”.  Tonight as we were sitting here out of the blue she says to me that she can see the “hole” in my boob.  She wanted to know where the “pointy part went”.  She really is one smart cookie.  I told her the truth, for the most part.  The pointy part was part of what could have made me sick and that in a few weeks I would get a new one.  She found this to be fascinating.  Thought it was just amazing that they could just give me new ones.  I ‘ll tell you this…these are not conversations I ever thought I would be having with a 5-year-old. They asked to see…I told them my concerns and they told me that they were stronger than I gave them credit for.  Can you believe that?  So I showed them and asked what they were thinking.  They said that although it was strange it did not scare them.  They did say that they were happy that the doctor was going to replace “the pointy part”.

Wow…On top of the numerous things I have learned through this process one huge thing is that my babies are not babies anymore.  They are wonderful, smart caring little souls.  I am so proud of them both and I love them with all of my heart!

A bit of a Rant

I have never been an avid reader.  My mother and sister both could sit for hours book in hand world tuned out.  My mother tried with me to no avail.  This also made school especially college very interesting.  I guess I am pretty smart.  I graduated with a 3.5 GPA and Dean’s list but my deep dark secret is that I don’t believe that I ever completed a reading assignment.  I used to read the top and bottom line on a page..mabe peek at the middle if I did not get the gist of the page.  I look back now and wonder, how would I have done in school if I actually read an entire book?

This is on my mind right now for two reasons.  First my oldest daughter.  My Megan is a lover of books and I do everything I can to encourage her love!  SHe is sitting here with me right now reading.  She just completed the second grade but the last school check put her on about a fifth grade reading level.

The second reason is that lately I have actually been reading.  I spend much time on the internet reading different blogs, mostly on breast cancer, BRCA genes, Prophylactic mastectomy and another disorder called Cowden Syndrome. When I started this blog, as  I stated before, it was just to clear my own thoughts.  Then I found some blogs that helped provide me strength to move forward and now I sit as one of those blogs that is helping others.  I welcome this change of rolls and take it seriously.

AS I read, I find two themes to be particularly alarming in my opinion even dangerous.  NOW, let me be clear that I am not referring to woman who had been diagnosed with cancer.  I am specifically discussing those of us who are extreme high risk for one reason or another who are lucky enough to be able to take control of our situation before cancer strikes.  The first theme is the  self-pity “breasts are what make me a woman”.  Really?  What makes me a woman is my strength, my do anything attitude, I take responsibility for my own actions, my intuitions, nurturing ability, gentleness and compassion,my ability to kick ass when needed,  my manipulation skills, my pride ,my ability to ask for directions when lost and oh yes that vagina thing (to name just a few).  Breasts themselves are actually just fat that in many cases attack the body they were lucky to be a part of so removing them is not affecting your womanhood but instead securing it! Again, just my opinion.

The other was the “why would you cut off a perfectly healthy part of your body”.  To this I would assume that the person asking is just that..perfectly healthy.  A person who would ask this has not been kept awake at night for weeks at a time waiting for the most recent biopsy results to come back.  They have not had to lie face down in an MRI machine for 45+ minutes, breasts uncomfortably tucked into hard plastic molds. They have not been at a dinner party only to have the thoughts of breast cancer fill their minds instead of the conversation at hand.  They have not been told that you have a 50-50 chance (or in many cases much worse odds) of falling victim to breast cancer.  They have not then had to sit in a room with more than two woman and realize that if someone was going to get cancer statistically it would be me.

So to sum it up I guess I would say this.  Unless you are able to put yourself fully in the shoes of another…keep your opinion to your self.