The list begins

On my continued search for “what I want” I think I have begun to develop some thoughts maybe even a list.

1-I would like to worry less about well everything.  In my head I am fully aware that I can not control everything, even most things. This is what causes the worry.  I wish I could live life and just allow it to happen.  This will require work!smile

2-I want to smile more.  2012 was a rough and at times very painful year.  The year leading up to it was possibly even more scary since that was the year of abnormal biopsy and breast MRI.  Now with the pelvic Ultrasound results, I am heading for yet another biopsy Thursday. I feel like I have been under a cloud for a long while now and am ready to attempt to outrun it! Although the outcome has been good to date, it has been a long and stressful time that affected my entire family.  I believe our Disney trip is a big part of helping this change this mood and we are all looking forward to this trip!  The other night  we started to pack, a little more each day  The guest room is filling up with small piles just waiting to be put into a suitcase.  Disney is the happiest place on Earth, we can’t wait!Walt Disney World Gallery Photo

3-I would love to be able to pay off my credit cards but since that won’t happen anytime soon I will again focus on #1.

This of course is not an all-inclusive list.  It instead is just the beginning of one that I expect will grow and change in the coming weeks/months.

New year same as the last

It is 11am and I am fully ready for this day to end!  Never good right?  I finally talked to the doctor and wish I never had.  I can not say that I am in the least bit surprised but the ultrasound was all bad news.  Not only was there no improvement the news has grown darker.  To start with my ovarian complex cyst on the left is still there and now has a buddy on the right.  The doctor still does not feel that this is a huge concern but is ordering a CA125 which seems to be blood work to help detect ovarian cancer.  Hopefully the blood work shows no issue and we will be left with repeating the ultrasound yet again in a few months.

So, it could end there but hell why would it?  Seems that this ultrasound also picked up two cysts just chilling out on the lining of my uterus. She also feels these are probably nothing to worry about but put it all together add in the recent prophylactic mastectomy and cancer markers then use the word “probably” and my nerves are shot. I guess a few drinks before the bus stop is not advisable.

Thankfully they have gotten me in next Thursday for a biopsy and I will get the blood work as soon as I receive the script.

I will do my best to continue positive thoughts.

Retrospection,Introspection and a continued search

what-do-u-want2I wrote a post the other day called What do you want?  As I have thought about the answer to that question all it has done is make me ask myself more questions.  I guess a little introspection is good from time to time.  A long look in the mirror to cleanse the soul.

So, in deciding “what I want”, I started to think about who I am and what I have been through over the last year and a half or so. I scanned through some old posts here and came across one back in April 2012 where I took a shot at a basic introduction.  The only thing I would tend to add or change is that I no longer live in fear of developing breast cancer.  Instead I am very lucky!  I am lucky and thankful that I had the strength to make the decision to have a prophylactic mastectomy. Those who have been peeking in for a while now know what a great decision that was since cancer markers were found in the biopsy.  It was only a matter of time.

I started this blog almost a year ago for myself to clear my thoughts as the process toward the BPM began.  Over time I meet some strong and wonderful woman.  Some of these woman are battling strong_womancancer, others like myself trying to jump out in front but all became inspiration to me in some way.  As the surgeries began, this blog became an avenue to vent, whine and express myself.  It did not matter if anyone actually read but it was nice to know that some did and maybe my experience helped someone the way I was helped.I continue writing now because although I have grown so much personally through this experience, I still do not open up well personally.  This continues to be a great outlet for me.

SO I will continue to type away, rambling about my children, my family and sometimes plain old daily minutia.  I am continuing to work toward the answer of what I want and while doing so will thank god for what I have.  A beautiful family, my health and a future that is wide open.  Not too bad I guess!

That’s for stopping by, I do appreciate it!

wl167