The list begins

On my continued search for “what I want” I think I have begun to develop some thoughts maybe even a list.

1-I would like to worry less about well everything.  In my head I am fully aware that I can not control everything, even most things. This is what causes the worry.  I wish I could live life and just allow it to happen.  This will require work!smile

2-I want to smile more.  2012 was a rough and at times very painful year.  The year leading up to it was possibly even more scary since that was the year of abnormal biopsy and breast MRI.  Now with the pelvic Ultrasound results, I am heading for yet another biopsy Thursday. I feel like I have been under a cloud for a long while now and am ready to attempt to outrun it! Although the outcome has been good to date, it has been a long and stressful time that affected my entire family.  I believe our Disney trip is a big part of helping this change this mood and we are all looking forward to this trip!  The other night  we started to pack, a little more each day  The guest room is filling up with small piles just waiting to be put into a suitcase.  Disney is the happiest place on Earth, we can’t wait!Walt Disney World Gallery Photo

3-I would love to be able to pay off my credit cards but since that won’t happen anytime soon I will again focus on #1.

This of course is not an all-inclusive list.  It instead is just the beginning of one that I expect will grow and change in the coming weeks/months.

Retrospection,Introspection and a continued search

what-do-u-want2I wrote a post the other day called What do you want?  As I have thought about the answer to that question all it has done is make me ask myself more questions.  I guess a little introspection is good from time to time.  A long look in the mirror to cleanse the soul.

So, in deciding “what I want”, I started to think about who I am and what I have been through over the last year and a half or so. I scanned through some old posts here and came across one back in April 2012 where I took a shot at a basic introduction.  The only thing I would tend to add or change is that I no longer live in fear of developing breast cancer.  Instead I am very lucky!  I am lucky and thankful that I had the strength to make the decision to have a prophylactic mastectomy. Those who have been peeking in for a while now know what a great decision that was since cancer markers were found in the biopsy.  It was only a matter of time.

I started this blog almost a year ago for myself to clear my thoughts as the process toward the BPM began.  Over time I meet some strong and wonderful woman.  Some of these woman are battling strong_womancancer, others like myself trying to jump out in front but all became inspiration to me in some way.  As the surgeries began, this blog became an avenue to vent, whine and express myself.  It did not matter if anyone actually read but it was nice to know that some did and maybe my experience helped someone the way I was helped.I continue writing now because although I have grown so much personally through this experience, I still do not open up well personally.  This continues to be a great outlet for me.

SO I will continue to type away, rambling about my children, my family and sometimes plain old daily minutia.  I am continuing to work toward the answer of what I want and while doing so will thank god for what I have.  A beautiful family, my health and a future that is wide open.  Not too bad I guess!

That’s for stopping by, I do appreciate it!


What do you want?

What a question right?  I was driving along heading home from a small shopping trip and lunch with the girls on New Years eve when from the back of the car Madison asks, ” Hey Mom, what is your New Years revolution?”  I laughed both at the use of revolution and at the out of the blue question from my 6-year-old.  I thought about it for a second but had no answer.  I have not made a resolution in years.  I punted the question back to her and was faced with an immediate answer of “my revolution is to get a pony”.  Now, I did attempt to correct her wording to no avail. I also told her the thoughts of a pony would stay just that, thoughts.  🙂

It made me think though, it would not be a bad thing to set some goals, maybe identify what I want to achieve in the next year.  She is a persistent child also and would not let me get out of the car without something.  So here it is, my cliché new years resolution, I would like to be more fit and drop another 10-20 pounds.  As I have discussed before I had been working on my weight for a year prior to the mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction.  In total I have lost about 40 pounds since my peak “high”.  I really do feel so much better and would like to continue.

Since the last surgery was the week of Thanksgiving, it really threw me off of my game.  I had to limit activities for a week or so and then right into the holidays.  The hustle and bustle of getting everything ready for the holidays and of course the elliptical, walking and any other type of exercise related activity fell by the way side.  Having the kids home and sick for the last week has not helped either!  Very happy to be getting back to routine tomorrow!

SO sometimes it takes a six-year-old to help put things back into focus. It has also made me think about the broader question of what it is that I want.  There is of course the obvious, happy children and husband.  Good health, financial security but I am not sure that they answer the question of what do I want nor do I think it is an answer that I will come to sitting here typing tonight.  It is a question that I will spend some time thinking about so stay tuned, who knows there may be an epiphany.