Tag: Children

Will this fill the void? (an ongoing story)

I was hired at Best Buy as a media supervisor due to my experience at good ole Sam Goody.  I was in charge of the giant area in the center of the store, and in those days it was giant.  We still had VHS and cassette tapes boxed computer software and of course DVD’s.  My department did well and at the first chance I had to apply for a promotion I jumped on it!

I was promoted to a management position in merchandising.  I was not the greatest at that, to put it mildly.  Best Buy in the early years made a decision that to compete it needed to grow quickly.  They would blast a market with multi-store same day openings.  IT would cause great hoopla and a lot of press.  People would line up for great deal.

Behind the scenes it caused issues.  Low stock levels and awful shrink problems due to large amounts of employees hired in small periods of time, trianed by other short term employees.  This opportunity allowed for me to use my strength.  Identify and attack the issue.  Most of the stores in our market had massive shrink issues, (loss, theft etc).   I was moved to inventory control in one store and within a few months we had either retrained, relocated or arrested all who needed.  By Inventory time the store was under budget and did even better the next time.  Due to the companies continued massive growth, it did not take too long before I got my shot to take over my own district where we did the same.  Massive retraining, lots of meetings with employees to gain buy-in, a few arrests here and there and success for the mission of shrink control.

Life was good!  For many years I had fun at work.  But like everything it had to change.  That type of growth could not continue forever.

Somewhere around 2002ish they started the “re-structuring” .  A politically correct way of saying downsizing and piling of work on another.  I would assume other roles with little to no additional pay.  Lots of headaches.  And it hit me…I was making great money, had lots of toys but hated getting up in the morning hated everything around me.

I had achieved everything I wanted, power, money success so what was my problem?  Frank and I had been talking about children but after the way I grew up I was so afraid that we would be terrible parents.

We were married six years before having Megan.  I made the decision early in my pregnancy that I would resign my position after having the baby.  My market won a holiday contest sending myself and several other of my team to LA for a few days.  I was about 4 months pregnant at the time of the trip.  I think this trip was part of helping to make the decision.  I did a good amount of traveling with work, late nights and early mornings.  This would not be good for my soon to be growing family. I did not tell anyone at the company this until after Megan was born, they would probably never have believed me anyway.

Megan was born In August 2004, I resigned in October, at the end of my leave.  Once I looked at that adorable little face I knew I could not go back to work.  I was given the opportunity my mother never had, the opportunity to be home for every fall, every tear, every smile, every everything and I jumped on it!

An apology for my girls, an education for me

I remember when my girls were born, such little angels.  So helpless.  As I have written before, I still thought they were helpless before the Mastectomy.  Over the last 52 days since, they have shown me how wrong I was, how much they have grown.  I debate with myself if this “growth” was good or forced because of  my surgery and will therefor have a negative impact.

From time to time I feel I owe them an apology.  The other day was one of those days.  Maybe with the surgery tomorrow, my mind has been swirling a little more that I thought.  The apology went a little like this:

I know this summer has not been what you had both hoped for and for that I am sorry.  I know that you would rather have been doing a hundred other things instead of taking care of me.  I am sorry for that and I love you both very much! Megan quickly jumped it with:  ” No problem mom.  If I understand  what you told us you did this so you would not get sick.  So if you do not get sick then you will be around when I have children and I need you to be around because I don’t even know how to hold a baby”.  To which Madison jumped in with “me either Megan, do you have to keep a hand under the babies head?”

That was the end of the apology and the beginning of a 15 minute conversation about babies, holding them, diapers, baby gas and were they gassy babies.  I guess growth comes from all experiences good, bad, positive, negative, forced and intended. All are necessary and I guess the important thing is ensuring we are always there for them to talk to no matter what is happening.

 After a conversation like that I realize…they are just fine.  Perfect as a matter of fact! No matter what they will always be my babies, and I will worry about everything but they are growing into wonderful little girls!

Tomorrow is the day!  NEWPPLES!

And yes, they were both gassy babies!

The “pointy part”

Frank had to go out-of-town for business for a few days so it is my first time all alone for a few days.  Still can not drive so he went shopping last night to make sure we would have everything we would need.  Because of my overdoing it a bit yesterday I really had nothing left in me today.  The weather of course went back into the ugly humid 90’s and I just could not sit out by the pool in that heat so the girls were forced to play inside today.  Don’t get me wrong..they are really very good but the voices…those wonderful little voices NEVER stop.  Thankfully, a few minutes ago the knock came at the door.  There is a rag-tag little group that gets together several nights during the week right down the street to play baseball/tag whatever.  They are a mix of boys and girls age range 5-9 and a couple of the dad’s stay out to keep and eye/pitch or referee..whatever is needed.   Finally my first moment of quiet today. And a few hours of exercise and social activity for them!  Win win!

So I am still not allowed to wear a bra.  I have tried to keep the girls from seeing me topless.  Being as they are both girls I honestly have never hidden from them in the past.  I do not want them to be ashamed of their bodies. I have thought it best since things look so different that I did not want to scare them. But even with a sleeveless shirt it is pretty clear that as my 5-year-old puts it “they are not boobie shaped”.  Tonight as we were sitting here out of the blue she says to me that she can see the “hole” in my boob.  She wanted to know where the “pointy part went”.  She really is one smart cookie.  I told her the truth, for the most part.  The pointy part was part of what could have made me sick and that in a few weeks I would get a new one.  She found this to be fascinating.  Thought it was just amazing that they could just give me new ones.  I ‘ll tell you this…these are not conversations I ever thought I would be having with a 5-year-old. They asked to see…I told them my concerns and they told me that they were stronger than I gave them credit for.  Can you believe that?  So I showed them and asked what they were thinking.  They said that although it was strange it did not scare them.  They did say that they were happy that the doctor was going to replace “the pointy part”.

Wow…On top of the numerous things I have learned through this process one huge thing is that my babies are not babies anymore.  They are wonderful, smart caring little souls.  I am so proud of them both and I love them with all of my heart!