I can not sleep. For years now, Sleep is something that I have battled. I could sit here for several more hours with no luck then tomorrow I will drag all afternoon. I have a doctors appointment in the morning so maybe that is part of it…reality really hits hard starting tomorrow!
So to pass the time I am sitting here flipping channels and nothing interesting is on. How funny is that? Growing up we had like 5 total channels until cable first rolled out. Even then just a handful and you could always find something interesting. Now reality shows, 24 hour news; none of it good, and shock TV.
The rest of the family is in bed so I am alone with just my little ole thoughts which of course are raging, racing and never-ending. I printed up the visitation hours for the hospital for Frank and the girls. I was worried that they may not be able to see me in the ICU since they are so young but after scanning the hospitals page I don’t think that should be a problem. That puts me a little more at ease. At least they will be able to come and see that I am alright. They are so innocent, so caring and so loving with absolutely nothing attached. So many people as they get older have too many strings.
One thing about all of those strings, once you are able to get yourself to make the decision to cut off currently healthy parts of your body for the best interest of yourself and your family, it makes it extremely easy to remove unwanted strings from your life. All in keeping things in perspective I guess, something that we easily lose when we become so busy that we forget to step back and reflect on our lives. Right now that is all I am doing..too much so at times!
Well let’s hope things go well at the doctor tomorrow.
Decisions for my Family 
I remember these days (nights) well. Being on the other side of it, I know now that all my sleepless nights were due to me worrying about how my family would be taken care of in my absence and during my recovery. Getting everything organized for volunteer care takers made me feel a little better, but when I was in the hospital I realized that they were fine and I needed to rest before being discharged. I had a few visitors at the hospital (my husband, my two best friends), but I was so groggy and tired that not one visit lasted more than 20 minutes. I fell asleep during a few visits and awoke feeling guilty that I’d slept through my visitor. My husband, MIL, sisters, etc were great about using video chat with me so I could see and talk to the girls everyday. It made a huge difference. My only advice about having your children visit is to wait at least 48 hours. Day 1 is so hard, and it may take some adjustments to get your pain under control. It will be a scary/nervous situation for your kids as-is, so best to make sure that you’re stable and your pain is under control before they visit.
Thinking of you often!
Good advice thank you! I think I need to just trust that my husband will be alright with the girls and stay focused on the battle ahead. Easier said than done!