Put out your hand

I can not believe that school will be starting in 2 weeks. It has been a very hectic summer for us and has seemed way too short! Megan is heading into 5th grade and my little Madison will be in 2nd. When did it happen? When did my babies get so big? It seems like just yesterday that I packed Meg up for her first day at Pre-K. She was such a shy little thing that even though I was home, we sent her for a few hours a day just to be around other kids. I remember the first day of Kindergarten and the first time I watched the bus drive away. I was so worried about her, would she adjust and fit in? Of course she did just fine. Before each of these first days I sent her to school with a kiss in each hand. A little something to carry from me just incase she needed them throughout the day.

Megan's first day of Kindergarten 2009 — Megan’s first day of Kindergarten 2009

There is an adorable little book called O My Baby Little One that we have had since Megan was a baby. It is about a little bird who feels sad as he heads off to school. His Mom is also sad and explains to him that the love they share will stay with them both everywhere they go even when apart. I have read this the night before the first day of school since Megan’s first day at Pre-K. With Megan turning 10 just the other day I was a little worried that just maybe my girls would not be as interested in our “ritual”. The other night we were gathering school supplies together and I asked if either of them had seen the book, (fully knowing exactly where it was :-). Before even allowing them to answer I asked if we would be reading it again this year. The reaction made me so happy. Both girls looked at me as if it was a crazy question and almost in unison answered “of course”. It made me feel good, “our thing” is just as important to them as it is to me.

I realize that I am raising two girls who in no time at all will both be teenagers. I know that there will come a time when everything that my husband and I do will be found to be the most embarrassing, annoying things in the world. I understand and together we will all make it through but for now I will enjoy every moment I can get where they still allow me to snuggle up and just hold on to them.

So Megan and Madison, as the first day of school draws near, when I ask for your hands, do me a favor and just accept that I am so very proud of you both. Accept that I love the strong and confident young ladies you are becoming. Accept that in my heart you will always be my babies so put out your hands and please allow me to send a kiss in each and know that I will always be with you and that I love you both so very much!

My life, my heart, my family

My family, they are my life, my heart and the most important thing in my world. There are forces around me that do not understand that and the reason is simply that they have never taken a minute to get to know me.

Niagara Falls Canada Family vacation July — Niagara Falls Family vacation July

Everyone’s priorities are different and that is one of those wonderful things that makes the world go around. I do not judge others, or at least I try my best not to. One thing that will immediately spike my anger are those who seem to do just that to me.

How did I get here?

Maybe it was a father who left when I was a baby and never looked back. Maybe it was the financial struggles that resulted from this, losing our house, never having my own new clothes or eating pancakes for dinner instead of meat. Maybe going through 12 years of Catholic school being told I did not have a “real” family or seeing all of my friends living “normal” lives. Maybe it was the death of my mother after a long battle with cancer. She was a difficult woman but one I loved with all of my heart. Maybe it was my own decision to proactively remove part of my body due to questionable biopsies, a surgery that was life changing. Maybe it was the fact that the pathology from that surgery showed that cancer was most certainly in my future, a future that was changed due to my decision to have the prophylactic mastectomy with my families support. A decision that certainly humbled me!

I did not get married right out of college. Frank and I were married several years before deciding to have children. We did the career thing and made very nice money. I was obsessed with the next promotion and the next raise and I did very well. We lived a life for a while where we could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to do it. I was 32 when Megan was born and ready for the next phase in my life. Many around me then could not understand how I could walk away from a lucrative and successful career to become a stay at home mom. To me that became the most important and fulfilling job I could ever have! Years later to be faced with the realization that cancer could be such a real threat, it made me recognize how quickly life could change and how dear I held those close to me.

I now have an understanding that a “normal” family is any that is loving, caring and provides for the needs of those individuals with in it. It is impossible to describe what that looks like since they are all so different. I have also come to peace with the fact that many people do not understand us, to those folks I can only wish for them a moment to slow down and enjoy what they have. What I do not give is an apology for knowing who I am and what is important to me. I will never apologize for putting my family first.

Over the next many weeks I am excited for the start of the soccer season. For Madison, it is her first opportunity to play on a travel team and at a more competitive level. Her team will take to the field Friday night for the first of a 3 game/ 3 day tournament. Frank is an assistant coach on her team and both are excited to hit the field. I love watching the girls play and have admittedly become a proud soccer mom. I plan on seeing each and every game (fingers crossed for schedules that are accommodating 🙂 ). Megan will start the season the weekend after in a labor day tournament.

As the summer comes to an end and we gear up to head back to school, the calendar is filling up and I realize, I would not have it any other way! Sometimes it is good to step back and remember what is really important to you!

Two years later

Today is a Happy Anniversary for me, the 2 year mark since I underwent the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy, a life changing day for me. I thank god that I had the strength to make such a decision. The year prior to the surgery was filled with doctors appointments, scans and blood work. The years prior to that were filled with biopsies and worry. Since I also had the DIEP flap procedure done at the same time, my surgery took over 14 hours and I spent 7 days in the hospital. The entire process took a total of three surgeries and several months to fully recover. I would say that it took about a year before I felt normal. I had numbness in my abdomen for a long time which was actually welcome after much pain.

I remember finally being released from the surgeons care many months after the BPM, walking to my car thinking both “wow” and “now what”? Strange right? Doctors became such a normal part of my life for so long that it was strange thinking about life after. For so long my entire life was associated with my “procedure” it became part of my identity.

I can not believe it has been two years since the surgery. I have not posted much over the last few months. I started this blog as a way to help me keep my thoughts straight as I prepared for and recovered from major surgery. As time has gone on I am not as sure as to what this will become. I have recently entered a political race for our local town council. I know that I do not want this sounding board to become anything political which is part of why I have stayed off of the pages. I also think there are already too many people posting about the day-to-day life of their children. For the moment I will stay in the background posting from time to time.

Things that I learned through the process, never look back! Make a decision and only look forward, trust in yourself that you made the right decision. Especially with my pathology findings of lobular carcinoma in situ, had I waited another year or two….I can’t think about it and thankfully I did not! Sadly, I also learned that many of the people who I loved and counted on were not there for me or my family when we needed them most. A hurtful reality but one that we have accepted. I no longer waste my time trying to keep our circle any larger than those who truly want to be a part of it.

I enjoy my family more than ever before. There are some who do not understand and to be honest I do not spend too much time explaining myself. I hug my children tightly and kiss them everyday. I enjoy every minute I have with my family and I never pass up an opportunity to tell them how much I love them. To all of the women out there, get you mammograms regularly, talk with your doctor and never be afraid to ask questions!

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