Sperm donor, daddy, jackass, grandpop……loser!

Around Christmas time I posted about my father and his meeting with my girls.  I use the term “father” since it would be politically incorrect to say sperm donor.  My life would probably have been easier if he had been just that a donor.  Some dude who did his thing behind a closed-door expecting anonymity.  Instead mine was just a weak and pitiful male human being.  One who cheated on my mother and had nothing to do with us as children.  One who would show up sometimes for visitation with us with a possible new wife or girlfriend.

So, we are about 6 months out from the big meeting. If anyone is wondering how that has gone I thought I would share an update.   Following Christmas, the girls had contact with their grandfather.   A few phone calls, a card at both Valentine’s day and Easter.  He calls, they answer I have nothing to do with any of it.  I have no interest in a relationship with a man who left me when I was a mere baby, a man who showed up from time to time with different girlfriends/ wives each younger than the last.  A man who never felt a second of responsibility in his life.

I accepted years ago who he was which in my life honestly, was nothing.  To me he has been dead for many years.  It was a tough decision for me but as my girls got old enough to actually start asking the right questions I did not want to lie to them.  They had a right to meet the only living grandparent that they had.  I tried to prepare them not to exect too much.  It is hard to explain how they felt about him to be honest.  The phone calls would last less about 5 minutes and could be counted on one hand.  They of course loved getting $20 in the mail at Easter.  They never spoke about him outside of the calls themselves nor do they ask about him, which it turns out is a good thing.

See, he is the weak, sad, pitiful man I always knew he was.  Recently he decided to stir things up and in the end has done what he always has, what he is good at and he has disappeared.  No more calls.  I told the girls the truth, some people just suck.  My 6-year-old sums it up perfectly, “Mommy, any daddy who leaves his family is not nice anyway so I don’t care if he calls”.

Am I upset about this?  Sure because I allowed him to have contact with the most important, most wonderful, most innocent things in the world, my babies. Would I have loved him to have surprised me and actually stepped up to something, sure!  In the end, he is exactly what I have always believed, a loser!

I have certain memories.  My siblings and I do not discuss my father much.  Between an alcoholic mother and a non-existent father sometimes having conversations about childhood can be tough.  Instead we each have our own memories good, bad and everything in-between.  Some may or may not be accurate but it is how we each remember things.

Since I had the least contact with him in growing up, I hoped that somewhere I had made things worse in my own mind to “deal” with reality.  Sadly, I have to report, that is not the case.  He is truly the  immature, shallow, weak, irresponsible ass I grew up thinking that he was.

To my girls, I am sorry.  I guess maybe lying is sometimes the better way to go.  It does not matter what else is out there, mommy and daddy love you both with all of our hearts!

R.I.P Madeline

Just received news that my Grandmother died.  Sad.   I received the e-mail from my brother, simply stating “Grandmom passed last nite” with a copy of the obituary.  I guess to those who are thinking this seems like a cold way to find out I should put it into perspective.  I have not seen, talked to or had any real thoughts about this woman in over 15 years or more.  She is my father’s mother, and my father walked out on my family when I was about a year old.  He (and his many girlfriends and wives) was around a little when I was young but was basically gone by my teen years.  And when I say he was around, I mean a weekend here and there or the occasional day trip.  The financial support was even thinner. I believe the last time I even saw him was 1993 which was not a pleasant meeting and the first in many years.

I was much closer to my grandfather than my grandmother.  When I was old enough to drive (not really sure how old I was) my grandparents were living with my father not too far away.  My grandfather was ill having survived several heart attacks.  I would go to visit, have lunch and sit with him while he smoked and watch to make sure he did not burn the house down.  He was slipping badly at that point, at times forgetting who I was or where we were but in between we would have a good visit.  That is until I would realize that my grandmother was in the kitchen calling dear old dad to let him know I was there.  I would always have to keep an eye on my watch because I had absolutely no interest in seeing a man who had no interest in me growing up.

After my “Pop-pop” passed, I don’t think I saw her again.  I think I may have spoken to her a few times on the phone but never saw her.

Still sad.  The question I sit here with though is, is it sad because of her loss or because of the stirring of shit it brings back thinking about her, my father, my childhood?

I guess we can just leave it with goodbye Grandmom.

My grandparents holding a newborn me..1971.

Rambling just a bit

My daughter came home from karate and was a bit down because they sparred and she did not do well.  The Sensei is tough (and btw great with the kids).  I told her it was fine because it is a lesson well taught in a safe environment.   She does not understand what I mean by that.  I wanted them to take karate.  I worry  so much about them. I want my girls to be able to handle any and all situtaions that come their way. I hope they both follow through and make it to black belt.

Laying in bed last night, not sleeping (which has been a common theme again lately) I could not clear my head.  I flipped on the DVR and watched a Burn Notice that I had recorded.  In it the main characters brother was killed..he was not a main character, only been in a few episodes.  I found myself in tears..not because of this guy on the TV but for some reason the funeral scene flashed me back to the night my mother died and the image of her lying motionless in her bed.  That was 10 years ago…where the heck did that come from and why?

My children never met either of their grandmothers.  When Megan was a baby there were several strange occurrences.  One time she was maybe 2ish she was talking.  When I asked who she was talking to she said “grand mommy, your mommy”.  I thought nothing of it, a child at play.  Then another time we were on the front step and she had a bowl of blueberries.  She kept putting her hand out with 1 blueberry in it as if offering it to someone.  I asked what she was doing.  She told me she was giving it to grandmom.  I asked if she saw grandmom and she laughed pointed and said yes right there.  I again for the most part, wrote if off to child at play but was a little freaked out.  Then one day she was singing, Happy Birthday to be exact.  I started to sing with her and she finished and clapped.  I asked why she was singing and she told me because it is grandmom’s birthday.  It stopped me in my tracks, I had to think for a second but she was right, it was.  There is no way she could have known that.  I took her for the first (and to date one of only a few visits) to my mother’s grave.  She stood over the grave waved chatted for a few minutes and then told me she was finished.   We never had another sighting.

I have never seen her but I often “feel” like she is around.  I wish she had been when my girls were born.  Who knows I guess she has always “been around”…who knows right?

A shot of my mother in a much younger day..about 30ish years ago.