Sperm donor, daddy, jackass, grandpop……loser!

Around Christmas time I posted about my father and his meeting with my girls.  I use the term “father” since it would be politically incorrect to say sperm donor.  My life would probably have been easier if he had been just that a donor.  Some dude who did his thing behind a closed-door expecting anonymity.  Instead mine was just a weak and pitiful male human being.  One who cheated on my mother and had nothing to do with us as children.  One who would show up sometimes for visitation with us with a possible new wife or girlfriend.

So, we are about 6 months out from the big meeting. If anyone is wondering how that has gone I thought I would share an update.   Following Christmas, the girls had contact with their grandfather.   A few phone calls, a card at both Valentine’s day and Easter.  He calls, they answer I have nothing to do with any of it.  I have no interest in a relationship with a man who left me when I was a mere baby, a man who showed up from time to time with different girlfriends/ wives each younger than the last.  A man who never felt a second of responsibility in his life.

I accepted years ago who he was which in my life honestly, was nothing.  To me he has been dead for many years.  It was a tough decision for me but as my girls got old enough to actually start asking the right questions I did not want to lie to them.  They had a right to meet the only living grandparent that they had.  I tried to prepare them not to exect too much.  It is hard to explain how they felt about him to be honest.  The phone calls would last less about 5 minutes and could be counted on one hand.  They of course loved getting $20 in the mail at Easter.  They never spoke about him outside of the calls themselves nor do they ask about him, which it turns out is a good thing.

See, he is the weak, sad, pitiful man I always knew he was.  Recently he decided to stir things up and in the end has done what he always has, what he is good at and he has disappeared.  No more calls.  I told the girls the truth, some people just suck.  My 6-year-old sums it up perfectly, “Mommy, any daddy who leaves his family is not nice anyway so I don’t care if he calls”.

Am I upset about this?  Sure because I allowed him to have contact with the most important, most wonderful, most innocent things in the world, my babies. Would I have loved him to have surprised me and actually stepped up to something, sure!  In the end, he is exactly what I have always believed, a loser!

I have certain memories.  My siblings and I do not discuss my father much.  Between an alcoholic mother and a non-existent father sometimes having conversations about childhood can be tough.  Instead we each have our own memories good, bad and everything in-between.  Some may or may not be accurate but it is how we each remember things.

Since I had the least contact with him in growing up, I hoped that somewhere I had made things worse in my own mind to “deal” with reality.  Sadly, I have to report, that is not the case.  He is truly the  immature, shallow, weak, irresponsible ass I grew up thinking that he was.

To my girls, I am sorry.  I guess maybe lying is sometimes the better way to go.  It does not matter what else is out there, mommy and daddy love you both with all of our hearts!

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