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An apology for my girls, an education for me

I remember when my girls were born, such little angels.  So helpless.  As I have written before, I still thought they were helpless before the Mastectomy.  Over the last 52 days since, they have shown me how wrong I was, how much they have grown.  I debate with myself if this “growth” was good or forced because of  my surgery and will therefor have a negative impact.

From time to time I feel I owe them an apology.  The other day was one of those days.  Maybe with the surgery tomorrow, my mind has been swirling a little more that I thought.  The apology went a little like this:

I know this summer has not been what you had both hoped for and for that I am sorry.  I know that you would rather have been doing a hundred other things instead of taking care of me.  I am sorry for that and I love you both very much! Megan quickly jumped it with:  ” No problem mom.  If I understand  what you told us you did this so you would not get sick.  So if you do not get sick then you will be around when I have children and I need you to be around because I don’t even know how to hold a baby”.  To which Madison jumped in with “me either Megan, do you have to keep a hand under the babies head?”

That was the end of the apology and the beginning of a 15 minute conversation about babies, holding them, diapers, baby gas and were they gassy babies.  I guess growth comes from all experiences good, bad, positive, negative, forced and intended. All are necessary and I guess the important thing is ensuring we are always there for them to talk to no matter what is happening.

 After a conversation like that I realize…they are just fine.  Perfect as a matter of fact! No matter what they will always be my babies, and I will worry about everything but they are growing into wonderful little girls!

Tomorrow is the day!  NEWPPLES!

And yes, they were both gassy babies!

12 days until the next surgery

“Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to-be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future…. As though experiencing an earthquake, mothers of daughters may find their lives shifted, their deep feelings unearthed, the balance struck in all relationships once again off kilter.”  ~Elizabeth Debold

Sitting with my coffee this morning fishing around the internet as I often do I came across the quote above.  As I believe I have mentioned before, I am not an avid reader…I browse but when I hit this one I re-read it several times.  Interesting!

I am now the proud parent of an 8 year old little girl.  The birthday went well. Although the weather did not cooperate for a pool party, Meg had a good time playing with her cousins inside.  It is always nice to see family.

Now we are back to focusing on what needs to be finished before surgery.  Time is ticking, we are right around the corner!  I am ready and anxious to get the reconstruction completed!  Time to get the “pointy parts” back!

The greatness that can be

If anyone has been staying up late to watch the olympics at night they have seen the gymnastics. What I have really enjoyed is watching  Ally Reisman’s parents, especially her father.  These two people look like they are in pure agony as their daughter performs.  And they have seen some big ups and downs.  You have seen tears in her fathers eyes but also the overwhelming pride that only a parent can feel when their baby has done something great.

My kids are still young so I can only imagine, you see them growing, watch the connections being made and conceptualize the greatness that can be, someday.  I do everything I can to provide the tools, support, assistance and shoulder to cry on ,and hope and pray that the decisions I make are the right ones.  (I also hope that down the road they do not end up on some couch saying it all starts with my mother..)

Only time will tell of course.

Went to the farmers market again today…fed the animals while we were there.