Category: Pre-op Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy

My dog, solar panels and other totally unrelated items

I am very unfocused.  Could not sleep last night or for several nights before that.  Since I was younger I would have these long periods of sleeplessness.  Won’t call it insomnia because I do eventually doze off.

What is keeping me awake?

I guess we can start with the obvious and the fact that I am about to lop off a portion of my body that I have had since my teen years…much larger and more complicated of course since my kids were born.

But that is not it.  I have a beautiful 3-year-old Labrador retriever who has already had one knee surgery.  She walks with a terrible limp sometimes unable to get up from a laying position.  We are faced with the reality that she has further knee and hip issues.  There is only so much money for medical needs in this family.  She is now on pain pills 2 times a day but things do not look good.

So..dramatic subject change takes me next to a meeting we had last night.  I am no Al Gore but am trying to make better energy decisions.  When we replaced our heater we went with a 95% efficient one for a few extra dollars.  So last night we had a meeting with some solar folks.  WOW…I really had no clue.  A massive (and I mean massive) initial payout of cash will result in just a 25% reduction in our electric bill.  No more govt programs because they realize they flooded the market….so when I laugh uncontrollably I am supposed to  feel guilty as I plug my laptop in right?

Then again back to the surgery, been thinking about the after surgery things.  Getting myself prepared. Waking up in Intensive care unable to see my girls. The first time I will look in the mirror after mastectomy. Showering with the drains…living with the drains.  Swelling and pain ugh.  Having to put a bra on at some point. Patience  is not a virtue I tend to exhibit, how long before I can be fully up and around?

And just as disjointed as this all reads is how it swirls around in my head.

About me..

When I first started posting some ramblings on here, I never really thought anyone would read it.  It was more for me I guess to clear my own thoughts.  Then some friends and family took a look. Now I realize that people outside of my own small world have taken a peek yet I have really never introduced myself, well,  other than the whole mastectomy high risk thing that is.

So here we go.

My name is Christine and I live in New Jersey.  I am 40 years old and have lived in fear of developing breast cancer for years. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband that I love very much. Our anniversary is right around the corner, a month before the surgery so we should go out for a ridiculously expensive dinner.

Those around me would probably describe me as stubborn and intense but usually fair.  Also, passionate and  caring but will not be taken advantage of or pushed around.

I used to smile and laugh much more than I do now.  For years I have tried to make everyone happy but am coming to realize that is part of the “smile” issue.  I am now thinking about the movie “City Slickers“…I need to find my smile.

I consider myself to be a strong person but after my kids were born would find myself crying at mushy shows, movies and even commercials that never would have had that effect on me prior to their births. I can’t dance, sing, draw or play an instrument yet my girls find me to be the most creative person alive.

I am the fixer or things, taker of pictures and keeper of memories. (we go through a lot of glue).  I am a coach of many sports, driver of the mommy taxi and chef.

One of the biggest challenges I faced over the last few years, outside of this whole mastectomy thing, was the conversion of district manager at a large retailer to stay at home mom.  At one time, hundreds of people had to listen to what I said and in the blink of an eye I had children who dared to say “no”.

I consider spell check to be one of the greatest inventions ever since I can not spell worth a damn!

I was raised Catholic, went to 12 years of Catholic school and although for the most part non-practicing I still suffer from massive Catholic guilt.

I love my family with all of my heart and for the most part do not let others opinions derail me.

And after reading the last few line realize I like the phrase ” for the most part”.  I start sentences with the word “So” very often and am sure that english professors everywhere would have a field day with a red pen on my writings.

Lastly…I long for the day that I do not look in the mirror and see the person who is agonizingly waiting, counting the minutes until the mastectomy is over.

Oh..and thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts…I appreciate it!

Friendship and continued preparation

Another week begins and the gap between me and the surgery closes.  Still way to far away to do a count down.  I spoke to a long-lost friend yesterday.  We have know each other since we were kids roughly 25+ years and have been through a lot of both good and bad times.  We all know how things happen you forget to call, then get busy maybe get mad that your forgot to call and got too busy and the next thing you know close to 2 years have past. I did not want anymore time to pass! It is always amazing though, no matter how long it has been you can still talk as if it was just yesterday.  It was great to reconnect and I will not forget to call next time!

I have a check list of sorts in my head to run through before the surgery.  Like I mentioned in keeping busy with the scrapbooks, I have a few project to wrap up etc.  I want to go into the hospital knowing that my family is taken care of and have little to stress about.  In my heart I know I will be fine and will only be away a few days but…there is always a but and always a possibility .  I have some wonderful friends who have offered to help Frank with the kids or who have asked what they like to eat so that there can be meal prepared for them.  I appreciate them all!

Some days I look at the clock and wish I could use one of the many magic wands that we have in the toy box and speed up time.  Then again this “waiting” has made me more appreciative of everything around me.  I enjoy watching the kids at activities just a bit more and the popcorn during yesterdays movie was awesome. I guess it is all about perspective.