I am very unfocused. Could not sleep last night or for several nights before that. Since I was younger I would have these long periods of sleeplessness. Won’t call it insomnia because I do eventually doze off.
What is keeping me awake?
I guess we can start with the obvious and the fact that I am about to lop off a portion of my body that I have had since my teen years…much larger and more complicated of course since my kids were born.
But that is not it. I have a beautiful 3-year-old Labrador retriever who has already had one knee surgery. She walks with a terrible limp sometimes unable to get up from a laying position. We are faced with the reality that she has further knee and hip issues. There is only so much money for medical needs in this family. She is now on pain pills 2 times a day but things do not look good.
So..dramatic subject change takes me next to a meeting we had last night. I am no Al Gore but am trying to make better energy decisions. When we replaced our heater we went with a 95% efficient one for a few extra dollars. So last night we had a meeting with some solar folks. WOW…I really had no clue. A massive (and I mean massive) initial payout of cash will result in just a 25% reduction in our electric bill. No more govt programs because they realize they flooded the market….so when I laugh uncontrollably I am supposed to feel guilty as I plug my laptop in right?
Then again back to the surgery, been thinking about the after surgery things. Getting myself prepared. Waking up in Intensive care unable to see my girls. The first time I will look in the mirror after mastectomy. Showering with the drains…living with the drains. Swelling and pain ugh. Having to put a bra on at some point. Patience is not a virtue I tend to exhibit, how long before I can be fully up and around?
And just as disjointed as this all reads is how it swirls around in my head.