Tag: Breast

Gratitude

I have been wandering around trying to pass time until the surgery (I actually counted 67 days ugh!) For the last few days I have allowed “victim” thoughts to crowd my head.  This is not like me..I have never been a victim nor will I ever be!  I am not sick. I decided that the more I allow myself to get bogged down in my own thoughts, the more down I feel.

So time to snap out of it..or at least do some things to try.  Instead of thoughts of mastectomy, surgery and recovery I think it is time to take a look at what is right in front of me and be grateful!

Sometimes it just needs to be on a billboard!

Today I am grateful for :

  • Both of my girls having a great day at school
  • Being on the field to see my baby play in her second softball game…and being there to kiss her boo-boo when she fell down
  • The extra hugs before bed from both
  • Hearing “I love you mommy”!

May not seem like much but to me the world!  I guess sometimes it is good to remind yourself…all in all good day!

My dog, solar panels and other totally unrelated items

I am very unfocused.  Could not sleep last night or for several nights before that.  Since I was younger I would have these long periods of sleeplessness.  Won’t call it insomnia because I do eventually doze off.

What is keeping me awake?

I guess we can start with the obvious and the fact that I am about to lop off a portion of my body that I have had since my teen years…much larger and more complicated of course since my kids were born.

But that is not it.  I have a beautiful 3-year-old Labrador retriever who has already had one knee surgery.  She walks with a terrible limp sometimes unable to get up from a laying position.  We are faced with the reality that she has further knee and hip issues.  There is only so much money for medical needs in this family.  She is now on pain pills 2 times a day but things do not look good.

So..dramatic subject change takes me next to a meeting we had last night.  I am no Al Gore but am trying to make better energy decisions.  When we replaced our heater we went with a 95% efficient one for a few extra dollars.  So last night we had a meeting with some solar folks.  WOW…I really had no clue.  A massive (and I mean massive) initial payout of cash will result in just a 25% reduction in our electric bill.  No more govt programs because they realize they flooded the market….so when I laugh uncontrollably I am supposed to  feel guilty as I plug my laptop in right?

Then again back to the surgery, been thinking about the after surgery things.  Getting myself prepared. Waking up in Intensive care unable to see my girls. The first time I will look in the mirror after mastectomy. Showering with the drains…living with the drains.  Swelling and pain ugh.  Having to put a bra on at some point. Patience  is not a virtue I tend to exhibit, how long before I can be fully up and around?

And just as disjointed as this all reads is how it swirls around in my head.

About me..

When I first started posting some ramblings on here, I never really thought anyone would read it.  It was more for me I guess to clear my own thoughts.  Then some friends and family took a look. Now I realize that people outside of my own small world have taken a peek yet I have really never introduced myself, well,  other than the whole mastectomy high risk thing that is.

So here we go.

My name is Christine and I live in New Jersey.  I am 40 years old and have lived in fear of developing breast cancer for years. I have 2 beautiful daughters and a husband that I love very much. Our anniversary is right around the corner, a month before the surgery so we should go out for a ridiculously expensive dinner.

Those around me would probably describe me as stubborn and intense but usually fair.  Also, passionate and  caring but will not be taken advantage of or pushed around.

I used to smile and laugh much more than I do now.  For years I have tried to make everyone happy but am coming to realize that is part of the “smile” issue.  I am now thinking about the movie “City Slickers“…I need to find my smile.

I consider myself to be a strong person but after my kids were born would find myself crying at mushy shows, movies and even commercials that never would have had that effect on me prior to their births. I can’t dance, sing, draw or play an instrument yet my girls find me to be the most creative person alive.

I am the fixer or things, taker of pictures and keeper of memories. (we go through a lot of glue).  I am a coach of many sports, driver of the mommy taxi and chef.

One of the biggest challenges I faced over the last few years, outside of this whole mastectomy thing, was the conversion of district manager at a large retailer to stay at home mom.  At one time, hundreds of people had to listen to what I said and in the blink of an eye I had children who dared to say “no”.

I consider spell check to be one of the greatest inventions ever since I can not spell worth a damn!

I was raised Catholic, went to 12 years of Catholic school and although for the most part non-practicing I still suffer from massive Catholic guilt.

I love my family with all of my heart and for the most part do not let others opinions derail me.

And after reading the last few line realize I like the phrase ” for the most part”.  I start sentences with the word “So” very often and am sure that english professors everywhere would have a field day with a red pen on my writings.

Lastly…I long for the day that I do not look in the mirror and see the person who is agonizingly waiting, counting the minutes until the mastectomy is over.

Oh..and thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts…I appreciate it!