Tag: Breast

Difficult Questions

I continue to be amazed with the depth and intelligence of my own children.  Although  I continue to heal, I am not 100%.  It is no secret to the girls that I am not fully comfortable.  They are aware that my body is still changing.  I am trying to get things back to a normal daily routine but all they have to do is see me while I am changing and it is clear that we are not fully back to normal.

Megan is pretty easy to read.  She wears her feelings on her sleeve so if something bothers her it does not take long to identify it and get it out into the open.  Madison, she is a totally different animal!  Things come flying out of her like missiles out of the blue.  The other night, I was putting her to bed.  We go through our normal routine, which in itself is very structured.  Madison has certain things she has to say and have said to her nightly.  As I give her one last kiss she looks up at me and says, “Mommy, will Megan and I have to have our boobies operated on when we get older?”

I was caught so off guard!  Although I do my best not to lie to my girls, sometimes there is no good truthful answer.  The honest answer is, I just do not know but it is highly probable.  They have two grandmothers who past due to metastasized breast cancer and a mother who according to all of the doctors involved, would have been a breast cancer patient at some point had I not had the Prophylactic Mastectomy.

I gave her a hug and told her that we did not need to worry about such things.  As I walked out of her room, I admit I had a few tears.  I would do anything to protect them!  I guess reality is that for as much as I want, I will not be able to protect them from everything.  Over time, I will seek out advice and take any and all steps needed.  It never ends!

76 days post BPM, 23 days post reconstruction

Been a little since I did a surgery followup.  The actual bilateral prophylactic mastectomy was On July 2, followed by the nipple reconstruction and revision on August 24.

The reconstruction was completed at the same time via a DIEP flap procedure.  After many weeks of initial struggles with core strength, I am fully able to move as I wish.  I am at the point now where I do sit up crunches every night.  At first only 10 or so now 100+ .  I also either walk or spend some time on the elliptical machine a few days a week. I still have tightness in the abdomen but it is a good tight. I am stunned at the change of size in my abdomen.  I am not on the scale of Barbie but it is by far the flattest stomach I have seen in many years.

I do still have discomfort in the breasts.  The breast revision was much large than initially expected.  Due to the size of the incisions and amount of surgery performed, I still have a hard time wearing a bra.  I feel that I need to wear one if I am going out in public, ie back to school nights, shopping, soccer etc because of the nipple issue.  As I had stated in an earlier post, the surgeon had to make the nipples large to allow for shrinkage.  One of them has and is about right.  The other has not and still reminds me of a strange little thumb like appendage. He has assured me that if needed this can be corrected very easily.  They are also a bit out of line which I am also told is a an easy fix.  So it does look like we have a small procedure ahead.  I see him again mid october.

I do look forward to a day when I have no discomfort but have accepted the fact that the day is not around the corner.

I am thrilled that my life for the most part is getting back to normal, but one highlight of my day does still remain the bra removal.

I have lost close to 40 pounds since my max weight 1 year prior to surgery.

My Bra size is 4 sizes smaller and pant size is almost 2 sizes smaller.

More importantly is the fact that I feel good and have used this situation as an attempt to live healthier.  Most importantly is the fact that I have gone from a minimum 50/50  chance  of developing breast cancer to one of only about 5%.

**(post pathology with the finds of cancer markers, the risk would have increased but no one ever put it into number for me)

Life changing experiences

 

So I ended my last post with the following question: Could there be room in the Bailey clan for more little ones?  What a buzz that started! :-).  In hindsight could have worded it better, it is not any type of breaking news.  Was intended to only be a lead in to the next piece of the story.

After growing up swearing I would never have children, I am so happy that my mind was changed.  I love being mommy.  It took a little while to get used to the fact that I did not leave my house to go to work. I state it that way because as a stay at home mom, it is work.  It is amazing how some people do not feel that to be true.  How many times over the years I have been asked when I was going to get a “real job” or go “back to work”.  I am blessed to be in a financial position to be able to stay home with my children.  Things could of course be easier if I were also bringing in a pay check but this is a decision that my husband and I made together for the best of our family.  It is not a decision that is right for everyone nor would I ever judge another for the decisions made for their family.  I guess that is why is angers me so when that judgement is made about me.

Late in 2009 we decided to add to the clan.  The world needed another Bailey!  I was about 8 weeks pregnant when I went to the OB for the first visit.  I was sent for an ultrasound a few days later.  During the ultrasound visit the tech informed me that my dates must be wrong.  According to measurements the baby  was only 5 weeks.  I was very sure about the dates!  I was moved to another room to meet with a doctor.  They put me on progesterone in an attempt to prevent a miscarriage.  I was to return in 2 days for blood work.

I returned and had a small, very small improvement in the blood counts.  Within a day I started to have cramping and some bleeding.  I called the doctor and got an immediate appointment.  Before I could even get there , I had a miscarriage.  To make it worse, my Madison was with me, scared, crying.  My heart was broken but the baby in front of me had to take priority.  I calmed her and we went to the doctor.  All they could do was offer support, a shoulder to cry on.  Over the next roughly 10 days I had to return every 2 days for blood work.  Of course my body could not complete the job and I had to be scheduled for a D&C.

Sad does not fully cover the feeling.  Life goes on, I had two beautiful girls who needed me. I never fully grieved, that is not who I am.  I was very sad, but it was my responsibility to get up and move on.  Once a little time passed we figured we would try again.  I really always believed we would have another child that is until June 2011.

For those who have followed the blog a while, you know that was when it all began.  I found a lump in March 2011 and by June had received the news that although not cancer, an “Irregularity” and the 50-50 breast cancer chance.  Decisions, life is full of decisions.  I so wanted another child, but what I want more was to live to see the 2 that I had grow and thrive.  I had the Mastectomy 7/2/2012.

Could I have a child now?  Sure physically I could.  In a few weeks I will be 41 years old, my husband is 43.  My body is not fully recovered from the mastectomy, DIEP surgery, and  breast reconstruction. Do I want to be 60 packing my child up for college?  And after everything I have been through to put my body through that?

I just don’t have it in me.  I have two beautiful, smart and thankfully healthy girls that I love with all of my heart.  Things happen for a reason I am told.  I love my family!