Me, My Family

My Life

Recently I have been debating what the next chapter of my life will hold.  My little one will be in first grade full-time starting in September.  I have had people ask if I was going to get a real job.  It had started to bring me down a bit.

I love standing at the bus stop waving to the girls as they head off to school. I love having the opportunity to give a hug and kiss as they step onto the bus.  I look forward to the stories as soon as they get off the bus after a busy day of learning.  I am the one to sit with my girls while they do homework and I am the one to answer the questions that arise from that homework.

We of course could be better off financially if I went back to work,  that is assuming I could even find a job.   I love my life, my husband and my girls.  I am sick and tired of feeling like I need to apologize for wanting to take care of my family.  I do the laundry, I clean our home.  I am the taxi service for karate, CCD and soccer.  I handle all medical and dental appointments. I ensure that my ever-growing girls have clothes that fit and food on the table.

I want to be present. I remember track meets with my friends parents wishing I could see my mother rooting for me.  I remember wishing just once.

My job keeps me pretty busy, and I love every minute of it! I will apologize to no one for wanting to continue to do it.

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Becoming the Bailey's, My Family, Post-Op Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy

Life changing experiences

 

So I ended my last post with the following question: Could there be room in the Bailey clan for more little ones?  What a buzz that started! :-).  In hindsight could have worded it better, it is not any type of breaking news.  Was intended to only be a lead in to the next piece of the story.

After growing up swearing I would never have children, I am so happy that my mind was changed.  I love being mommy.  It took a little while to get used to the fact that I did not leave my house to go to work. I state it that way because as a stay at home mom, it is work.  It is amazing how some people do not feel that to be true.  How many times over the years I have been asked when I was going to get a “real job” or go “back to work”.  I am blessed to be in a financial position to be able to stay home with my children.  Things could of course be easier if I were also bringing in a pay check but this is a decision that my husband and I made together for the best of our family.  It is not a decision that is right for everyone nor would I ever judge another for the decisions made for their family.  I guess that is why is angers me so when that judgement is made about me.

Late in 2009 we decided to add to the clan.  The world needed another Bailey!  I was about 8 weeks pregnant when I went to the OB for the first visit.  I was sent for an ultrasound a few days later.  During the ultrasound visit the tech informed me that my dates must be wrong.  According to measurements the baby  was only 5 weeks.  I was very sure about the dates!  I was moved to another room to meet with a doctor.  They put me on progesterone in an attempt to prevent a miscarriage.  I was to return in 2 days for blood work.

I returned and had a small, very small improvement in the blood counts.  Within a day I started to have cramping and some bleeding.  I called the doctor and got an immediate appointment.  Before I could even get there , I had a miscarriage.  To make it worse, my Madison was with me, scared, crying.  My heart was broken but the baby in front of me had to take priority.  I calmed her and we went to the doctor.  All they could do was offer support, a shoulder to cry on.  Over the next roughly 10 days I had to return every 2 days for blood work.  Of course my body could not complete the job and I had to be scheduled for a D&C.

Sad does not fully cover the feeling.  Life goes on, I had two beautiful girls who needed me. I never fully grieved, that is not who I am.  I was very sad, but it was my responsibility to get up and move on.  Once a little time passed we figured we would try again.  I really always believed we would have another child that is until June 2011.

For those who have followed the blog a while, you know that was when it all began.  I found a lump in March 2011 and by June had received the news that although not cancer, an “Irregularity” and the 50-50 breast cancer chance.  Decisions, life is full of decisions.  I so wanted another child, but what I want more was to live to see the 2 that I had grow and thrive.  I had the Mastectomy 7/2/2012.

Could I have a child now?  Sure physically I could.  In a few weeks I will be 41 years old, my husband is 43.  My body is not fully recovered from the mastectomy, DIEP surgery, and  breast reconstruction. Do I want to be 60 packing my child up for college?  And after everything I have been through to put my body through that?

I just don’t have it in me.  I have two beautiful, smart and thankfully healthy girls that I love with all of my heart.  Things happen for a reason I am told.  I love my family!

 

Pre-op Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy

Check

Today was a busy day!  The girls had karate followed by lunch out, errand shopping dinner at the mall and some more shopping.  I continue to try to make things easy for the family.  We have paper towels and toilet paper stacked to the ceiling, enough tissues to last through next allergy season , ketchup (a major staple in my household) to supply a small diner, enough dog food for an entire kennel and if one was so inclined the floors are clean enough to eat off of.

I exaggerate of course.  I don’t know if it is a way of me passing the time.  Maybe I have no fear/worry about the actual surgery because I have a god complex that they can’t survive without me. I don’t give myself time to worry since I have to get things ready for them. Who knows and quite honestly who cares.  It works for all involved.  I want Frank to be able to focus on the girls, it keeps me busy and I am sure things have been taken care of properly.

I just finished the “lists”.  Phone numbers of friends and another for medication.  Both girls have allergy and or sinus issues.  I am a stay at home mom…these things are in my head and handled by me daily as routine  habit. Sitting trying to put it in nice little checklists it not easy lol!

Tomorrow marks 5 days til surgery!