So I ended my last post with the following question: Could there be room in the Bailey clan for more little ones? What a buzz that started! :-). In hindsight could have worded it better, it is not any type of breaking news. Was intended to only be a lead in to the next piece of the story.
After growing up swearing I would never have children, I am so happy that my mind was changed. I love being mommy. It took a little while to get used to the fact that I did not leave my house to go to work. I state it that way because as a stay at home mom, it is work. It is amazing how some people do not feel that to be true. How many times over the years I have been asked when I was going to get a “real job” or go “back to work”. I am blessed to be in a financial position to be able to stay home with my children. Things could of course be easier if I were also bringing in a pay check but this is a decision that my husband and I made together for the best of our family. It is not a decision that is right for everyone nor would I ever judge another for the decisions made for their family. I guess that is why is angers me so when that judgement is made about me.
Late in 2009 we decided to add to the clan. The world needed another Bailey! I was about 8 weeks pregnant when I went to the OB for the first visit. I was sent for an ultrasound a few days later. During the ultrasound visit the tech informed me that my dates must be wrong. According to measurements the baby was only 5 weeks. I was very sure about the dates! I was moved to another room to meet with a doctor. They put me on progesterone in an attempt to prevent a miscarriage. I was to return in 2 days for blood work.
I returned and had a small, very small improvement in the blood counts. Within a day I started to have cramping and some bleeding. I called the doctor and got an immediate appointment. Before I could even get there , I had a miscarriage. To make it worse, my Madison was with me, scared, crying. My heart was broken but the baby in front of me had to take priority. I calmed her and we went to the doctor. All they could do was offer support, a shoulder to cry on. Over the next roughly 10 days I had to return every 2 days for blood work. Of course my body could not complete the job and I had to be scheduled for a D&C.
Sad does not fully cover the feeling. Life goes on, I had two beautiful girls who needed me. I never fully grieved, that is not who I am. I was very sad, but it was my responsibility to get up and move on. Once a little time passed we figured we would try again. I really always believed we would have another child that is until June 2011.
For those who have followed the blog a while, you know that was when it all began. I found a lump in March 2011 and by June had received the news that although not cancer, an “Irregularity” and the 50-50 breast cancer chance. Decisions, life is full of decisions. I so wanted another child, but what I want more was to live to see the 2 that I had grow and thrive. I had the Mastectomy 7/2/2012.
Could I have a child now? Sure physically I could. In a few weeks I will be 41 years old, my husband is 43. My body is not fully recovered from the mastectomy, DIEP surgery, and breast reconstruction. Do I want to be 60 packing my child up for college? And after everything I have been through to put my body through that?
I just don’t have it in me. I have two beautiful, smart and thankfully healthy girls that I love with all of my heart. Things happen for a reason I am told. I love my family!