Rambling just a bit

My daughter came home from karate and was a bit down because they sparred and she did not do well.  The Sensei is tough (and btw great with the kids).  I told her it was fine because it is a lesson well taught in a safe environment.   She does not understand what I mean by that.  I wanted them to take karate.  I worry  so much about them. I want my girls to be able to handle any and all situtaions that come their way. I hope they both follow through and make it to black belt.

Laying in bed last night, not sleeping (which has been a common theme again lately) I could not clear my head.  I flipped on the DVR and watched a Burn Notice that I had recorded.  In it the main characters brother was killed..he was not a main character, only been in a few episodes.  I found myself in tears..not because of this guy on the TV but for some reason the funeral scene flashed me back to the night my mother died and the image of her lying motionless in her bed.  That was 10 years ago…where the heck did that come from and why?

My children never met either of their grandmothers.  When Megan was a baby there were several strange occurrences.  One time she was maybe 2ish she was talking.  When I asked who she was talking to she said “grand mommy, your mommy”.  I thought nothing of it, a child at play.  Then another time we were on the front step and she had a bowl of blueberries.  She kept putting her hand out with 1 blueberry in it as if offering it to someone.  I asked what she was doing.  She told me she was giving it to grandmom.  I asked if she saw grandmom and she laughed pointed and said yes right there.  I again for the most part, wrote if off to child at play but was a little freaked out.  Then one day she was singing, Happy Birthday to be exact.  I started to sing with her and she finished and clapped.  I asked why she was singing and she told me because it is grandmom’s birthday.  It stopped me in my tracks, I had to think for a second but she was right, it was.  There is no way she could have known that.  I took her for the first (and to date one of only a few visits) to my mother’s grave.  She stood over the grave waved chatted for a few minutes and then told me she was finished.   We never had another sighting.

I have never seen her but I often “feel” like she is around.  I wish she had been when my girls were born.  Who knows I guess she has always “been around”…who knows right?

A shot of my mother in a much younger day..about 30ish years ago.

The “New” reality hits

Back in May I posted a page called Reality HitsThose feelings after walking into the Oncologists office a year ago, both fear and empowerment.  Seems like a life time ago!  Today I was on my elliptical machine sweating up a storm, thoughts swimming in my head, when it finally started to hit me…I have a new reality!  I will not get breast cancer (alright nothing is 100% but 93-95% is not bad at all!)  I will never have another mammogram or breast MRI. I started to feel empowered again!  When I finished my workout I tooted my own horn with my FB post..(which is not like me honestly):

Exactly 4 weeks ago today released from a one week stay in the hospital after a Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy. A 20+ inch incision across my abdomen. TODAY a 20 minute high impact elliptical workout followed by 5 minutes on the punching bag…DAMN right I am proud of myself!

So much time agonizing over the thoughts of cancer…gone.  Then,  the validation of my decision to have the mastectomy when the pathology reports hit.  

So I understand that I am not ready to run a marathon, but I remember about two weeks ago getting stuck on my back on my own bed, lying there like a turtle.  I also fully grasp that I will have a set back on 8/24 when I have the surgery for the nipple reconstruction and revision, but for now I will do what I can to get in somewhat decent shape before then.

The new reality is not too bad at all!!

Exhaustion, Televisions and Birthdays

What a day..I am exhausted!  I started the morning deciding to push the limits a little and jumped on our elliptical machine for 12 minutes..followed by 5 minutes on the punching bag. I felt really good afterward! My mobility is amazing just since doing the stretches that I started  Tuesday. Still sore under my arms and in my chest but I can fully move my arms and my arm strength is good.

What I was not expecting was the rest of the day.  My daughter’s birthday is Saturday.  For a few years now both birthday  and Christmas wishes have been the same, a TV in her room.  My answer has always been the same..NO.  I have been so vehemently opposed to the idea that this year she did not even ask…so that is what my husband and I got her.  She is such a great kid (not that I am biased or anything :-)).  She is a straight A student, leaving third grade was reading over a 5th grade level, plays piano and soccer and is just a good kid. Maybe I softened due to how helpful she has been to me but I agreed with my husband she could be responsible with a television in her room.

We decided to make it the biggest surprise possible..totally unexpected so we got it into her room, mounted and connected to the cable today without her having a clue what was happening.  It took several trips up and down the steps, moving of this and shifting of that.  On my feet all day. The kids were busy in the basement playing with no idea what was happening upstairs.  When we were finished they went into the pool with my husband.  I should have taken the time to just sit for a bit but instead gathered and ran the laundry, folded what was in the dryer and cleaned up the kitchen.

When they were finished swimming Frank informs me they all decided that we would go to the Diner for dinner..good with me since I had no intention of cooking.  The girls got changed in the downstairs bathroom while my husband and I settled onto Megan’s bed with the  Television on. I called down that I needed help could they please come up.  Without question they came running…it was great!  Once they found us, she walked in kind of shocked looking at us sitting on her bed not even noticing why then turned her head…the rest is the stereotypical little girl response.  She jumped into the air screaming. I guess she liked it!  I love being able to pull off a good surprise!

Next was dinner and some back to school shopping at the mall.  Since I am heading back to surgery 8/24, for the nipple reconstruction and revision, I want to make sure these things are taken care of.  Not sure how I will feel and how long I will feel that way. We finally walked back into the house about 7:45 after I had announced that I had more than enough and needed to go home!

Right now I sit in peace..my girls are upstairs watching the new TV, husband is in the backyard mowing the lawn in the dark and I happily sit not moving anything other than my finger as I type on the laptop watching the olympics.  I can hear the girls talking and laughing..I love that.  I am sure it will not stay that way for long but right now it is lovely.

Exhausted after a long but good day!